Pondering Relationships

Things are always evolving, it would seem. My thoughts change and come back again. I actually started writing this right after Valentines day 2006. A couple of things in my life have evolved since then and I'm not sure where those things might or might not be heading -- time will tell. But my thoughts here (today, below) are still the same.

I keep a journal. I have kept a journal off and on over most of my life. I think that I began this practice when I was about nine years old – fourth grade. I was a Girl Scout and I had purchased an "official" Girl Scout diary, complete with a flap from the back to the front and a lock on it. I used to keep the key in my jewelry box. Back then, I wrote about such earth-shaking news like who had a crush on whom in my fourth-grade class, who I had a crush on, and who had teased me and hurt my feelings. Nowadays my journal entries are more about the occasional philosophical thoughts that might scamper through my mind, and (more likely) my day-to-day concerns regarding work, friends, family – and of course, whatever romantic relationship may or may not be in my life at the time. The one topic I have tended to puzzle over the most would be relationships. Specifically, I have puzzled over romantic relationships.

The question that has been ringing out through my brain time and time again, over the years:
What is it about romantic relationships that cause us to desire them, to seek them out, to sometimes put ourselves through hell and back just to be in them? Other than the obvious sexual gratification angle – Why do we seem to be driven to seek out another person, a partner, and negotiate a relationship?

It has puzzled me for years, but I think I’m beginning to unravel at least part of the mystery. I think I’m beginning to understand. I have been in relationships and out of them. I have been courted, I have been married and I have been divorced. I have struggled to make them work. I have had crushes, and I have experienced heart-break. I think we all have. I have even experienced a loss through death. I have found that once I get past the heart-break and the loss, I do quite well by myself, and on my own. I found it was much easier to not have to worry about what someone else wanted or what to fix for dinner. If I wanted to go home and have cereal or a peanut butter burrito, I could! I had no one to answer to, and no one would gripe at me or nit-pick. I could clean house at eleven o’clock at night if I were on a roll and I wouldn’t disturb anyone but my cats. If I wanted to laze around all day on Saturday, I could. I’m sure you get the idea.

It has seemed to me that it was so much easier and less energy consuming to be single and not in a romantic relationship. There was certainly less heartache! But then, inevitably, I would meet someone who caught my interest. Then the roller-coaster ride would begin again. Sometimes he would have no idea that I might be interested in him – or he was aware of it, just not interested in me in that way. Sometimes he would be a game player, trying to see how he could manipulate me and twist my emotions and then disappear. Some have lied and cheated. Some have seen it all as a form of entertainment, I suppose. And others just wanted their own needs met without any regard to anyone else’s needs or feelings. So often it was very painful in the end. I’d struggle to understand the situation and deal with it and move on, preferably even learning something in the process. I’d try to be graceful. Hopefully I didn’t make a fool of myself. Sometimes I’d even come across someone who claimed to be interested in me! I’d invest some time and energy into it and wrangle with all of it. So often though, it ended up being a situation where they had definite ideas of who they wanted me to be and most of their ideas didn’t match-up with the reality of who I truly was at that time. They wanted to change me in ways that didn’t fit me. In other words, they weren’t willing to just accept me as I was at that time and let us explore things from there. At that point, I’d usually bid them adios. I try to be accepting of others. I believe that it’s not right for me to want to change someone. I believe that if any change is to occur, it has to be a change that individual chooses for himself. So if I can’t accept someone as they are right now, then I need to release them and let them find someone who can. Life has taught me that this is the best way to approach these things. I hope that people I meet will respect me and do the same for me. That has not usually been the case, at least until recently.

So I have continued to ponder why it is that we human beings tend to seek out a partner with whom to be in a relationship – especially now that I have met someone I consider to be very special to my heart. I have been doing some reading, specifically from a book I’ve read a few times before. Its one of those books that you get a little more out of it each time you read it. The book is called “The Road Less Traveled,” by M. Scott Peck. The first time I read it was in 1983 and the next time was probably in 1986 and again in 1999. I got a lot out of it those first few times I read it, but I suppose its a matter of where you are on your life path, as to what you will take away from any particular reading. This time, I seem to be getting much more out of it regarding relationships. And it’s not like these concepts are new to me, but the thoughts seem to be resonating with me on a different level this time – like I’m ready for absorption of those thoughts on a different layer this time. It’s as if I had to go through a number of life lessons in this area before I could re-read this book and gain the insight I needed on the subject.

I realize that hopefully a relationship will feel good and that might be why many people seek them out, but I have also seen the results when things don’t work out well. So it can become a matter of “Was it worth the end pain?” and “Was it worth the trouble?” Even though I realize that lessons are always learned, especially from the painful stuff, I have sometimes felt like the end result was not always worth the trouble. I believe that sometimes, those lessons could only have been learned by way of the so-called bad outcome. Hopefully, we take the lesson forward with us, rather than whining about the “bad experience” and losing the lesson that life offered up to us. The lessons learned are usually worth learning, no matter how they came about. I realize that many, many people go about building relationships in very unhealthy ways. In some cases, those people end up perpetuating their own destructive habits again and again. But when we choose to exercise discipline and we choose to become personally responsible for our own thoughts, deeds and actions – then we can fully participate in our own growth process. I am seeing now that this is when we can recognize a healthy partner choice and achieve a healthy relationship. Now I am seeing that once we learn healthy patterns of living, choosing, and learning, the reason we seek out a relationship is ultimately to extend ourselves personally. In that process, we can experience personal and spiritual growth. So maybe this relationship-seeking thing we do is all a matter of being some sort of deeply instilled soul-instinct to achieve our ultimate growth.

Whatever the mysterious reason we seek those relationships, I find it most educational to read back through my years of journal entries and see the progress I have made and the lessons I have learned over the years. I am a work in progress, but it’s a relief to see that I really am moving forward, learning good lessons, and becoming a better person. At least I hope so and it would seem so from my current perspective.

Thanks for reading my thoughts.
~~Paulena