Leggo My Ego!

I think I mentioned in a recent post that I have been reading a book called “A New Earth: Awakening Your Life’s Purpose,” by Eckhart Tolle. It’s a very good book and it really gets me thinking about a lot of things!

A year or so ago, I posted about how frustrated I was feeling about all the ridiculous media coverage about the Paris Hilton prison saga. Then it was other celebrities behaving badly. Now it’s Britney Spears, among others. The initial reaction (for me) tends to be something like, “Geeze! It’s all so stupid and annoying. Get it out of my face! I’m so tired of hearing about their crap on the NEWS! Leave it on the entertainment shows! The worse they behave, the move I hear about it. And the paparazzi. . . For crying out loud! Leave them alone! Let them be stupid in private!!“ It’s nuts! And it seems to somehow drag me into feeling frustrated. What is that about?

But now I’m reading this book (mentioned above) and I’m learning to see it in a new light! It makes me think about how we respond. It’s an enlightening process and I wish I could share with you all the “ah-ha” moments I’ve come across in the reading. But there are too many and I’d be practically reproducing the entire book! Just go get the book, read it with an open mind and see. There might be a tendency to feel a tad resistant in places. But that’s just the ego not wanting to release some entrenched ways of thinking and viewing things. Just keep reading!

For example, in this particular case — I’m reflecting on the whole issue of celebrities behaving badly, the media over-coverage of it, and how that tends to annoy me. I have to ask myself “Why does that annoy you so much?” I only wanted to sit, turn on the TV for an hour or so, and catch up on the evening news. And while I do get information on world events, I also get bombarded with a spectacle of (what I consider to be) idiot celebrity behaviors. The worse the behaviors, the faster it is broadcast! I didn’t ask for it. I don’t care about it, but there it is, in my face. At that point, I turn off the TV. But then it’s also on the radio, in the newspaper, and on the splash-pages when I bring up Yahoo, MSN or even the Comcast page. It’s everywhere!

Although I might not care to hear about it, apparently THRONGS of people do seem to care about it. Why? It’s like they can’t get enough of it! So the media goes for the ratings. Kind of sick? Yes. It’s like the proverbial train wreck that folks can’t take their eyes off of! It’s so horrifying to see, and yet we keep staring in disbelief. But I think we have all experienced it even though we might not care to admit it. I suppose it’s just human nature. But THAT– human nature is just it!

The main thing that the author, Ekchart Tolle talks about is the ego. He wants to teach us how the ego gets in the way of higher consciousness. It’s nothing new really. Buddhists have been teaching for centuries about letting go of attachments, and that attachments are the root of all suffereing. Eckhart Tolle has studied psychology and various world faiths, so he can put it in slightly differnt terms. He explains it beautifully!

In a nutshell he shows us that the ego gets attached to various things, situations, people, and concepts. The ego identifies with these various things and concepts and it hangs on to them for dear life! Then it operates as if those concepts or things are us, we, or I. Ego fights to keep those identities. We falsely identify ourselves with that. Then we are confused and we believe that we ARE those identities! But, we are not.

In considering all that, I go back to my earlier question about the crazy celebrity coverage. “Why does it annoy you so much?” Well. . . I suppose that’s because. . . it’s junk coverage. It’s not news, it’s invasive! It adds energy to thoughtlessness. It perpetuates a frenzy of negativity that gets splashed everywhere. It is not helpful to me or anyone else. Some of it is even inaccurate! I resent having it thrust upon me where ever I go. In my frustration, I begin to feel judgemental, even though I try not to be that way. Before I know it, I am inadvertantly helping perpetuate the negativity. I end up resenting that too. All that negativity, judgemental thinking, and resentment, turns out to be food for that ol’ ego!

But really, who am *I* to determine what they “should” or “should not” do. . . or that they are “wrong” in this, that, or some other? That is my ego that is attached to my idea of what is wrong or right or proper. I can only determine what is right for my own circumstanses. Even then, I might be too attached to ideas and concepts and become rigid in my thinking, thus creating my own life struggles!

If you really look at it, those celebrities are probably not trying to accomodate society’s clamor for “news” of bad behavior! First of all, they are not what the media displays them to be. Media presents what sells. . . a snapshot of the exterior of someone’s life and a superficial glimpse into a moment of a behavior and a life. Second of all, the celebrities are just doing, just being. . . they are just trying to go about their lives and ego pulls them astray. They make a bad choice, which in turn creates the drama that ego loves. The ego feeds on the drama and the frenzy. That further re-enforces the egoic insanity! It becomes a cycle and they end up believing that’s who they are. So then they continue to make more bad choices. And because they live under a microscope, it’s all documented and displayed for all to see.

It would be up to them to change their behaviors. But like so many people in today’s society, that’s either too hard, or they are cluless that they have that kind of power over their own lives! They make excuses and continue to believe the myth of the identity they have created and taken on for themselves, complete with self-destruction. Ego loves it, and so does the media.

Their cycle of ill-chosen behaviors and the media coverage perpetuates a form of what Mr. Tolle calls “a collective human dysfunction” — that would be all of our collective egos being attached to ideas, concepts, and false identities. In this case, feeding the sick gossip consumption frenzy. Our egos see it, react to it and cause the cycle to continue and even escalate. We’d be better off to mind our own lives and fix our own set of situations. Instead, we focus upon “them” and ”the other.” It’s easier and the ego loves that. . . it likes to make “others” so it can feel superior! It’s an illusion trying to survive by being better than ”others.”

Now here is a concept fo ya. . . from page 62 of my copy of Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth: Awakening Your Life’s Purpose”
“Nonreaction to the ego in others is one of the most effective ways not only of going beyond ego in yourself, but also of dissolving the collective human ego. But you can only be in a state of nonreaction if you can recognize someone’s behavior as coming from the ego, as being an expression of the collective human dysfunction. When you realize it’s not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were.”

Wow!! It’s not personal! Ok, I knew that, but to read it in the context of the things he is sharing with us. . . it was an “ah-ha” moment for me.

Of course this is only a snapshot sample of the book. There are many, many more concepts he shares with the reader. It’s deep and I’ve so far had several ”ah-ha” moments and look forward to many more. That is, of course, why I read the book. I enjoy personal and spiritual growth.

There you have it. Just some thoughts I wanted to share with you. . . all 5 or 6 of my readers. hehe I thought you might enjoy the process. Thanks fo reading. And so my process continues — back to the book!

If you decide to get the book and read it, then happy, insightful reading to you!
Be Well!
~Paulena

Becoming More Clear...

The last couple of years, I have known it was time to move on -- career-wise -- to something else. But figuring out what that would be, has taken some introspection, and a lot of reading (book links included in a later paragraph). I've been hearing for years: "Do what you love and the money (prosperity) will follow." Great! Ok, but what if you aren't sure what it is "you love" to do... or where you want your life to go? Sounds a little ridiculous, yes, but tons of people are struggling with this very thing right now!!!

So... how can you NOT know what you love to do? Easy! You spend your life, from very early on, deferring to people you respect who say they love you, or care about you... people who think they know better. And these people are trying to "guide" you down a path that they think would be much better for you than those crazy notions you have in your head! Ok, message received. You hang your head and move on and do what you've been told you are "supposed" to do. You pay the bills. Heaven forbid that you would "make waves!" That's how it begins.

Then you are going about your so-called life, and you mention an idea that you always wanted to try or might like to try... and someone... a teacher? a school counselor? a doctor? a parent? a spouse? a sibling? ...Someone tells you "That's NUTS! You can't do that! You'd never be able to pull that off. What's wrong with you? You'd never be any good at that. That's a really dumb idea! You'd never make a living doing that! What would people think? Forget that, you have to get a graduate degree or you'll be nothing! That's not a safe idea. Quit Dreaming! Get back to reality! You'd be a laughing stock! What are you??? Crazy? Be sensible!" Bark, bark, woof woof.... You know the rest... theme and variations. I've seen it a bazillion times-- and probably so have you!
Again, you hang your head, feeling ridiculous for ever bringing up such ludicrous thoughts!! How dare you!? Feeling supremely stupid, low, and unworthy of being listened to ever again. And you think, "Yeah, what was I thinking? Just shut up and pay the bills."
HOW SAD!!! And yet, these obstacles are part of the path, and part of the lesson! They are part of what can build your inner strength... if you allow it.

Guess what? Those crazy notions you had in your head... notions that maybe you HAVE had in your head a long time... THOSE are most probably what you love to do! Ok, sometimes we have more that one crazy notion. And sometimes we need to whittle and shape those notions into something useable. So what? It's a process! Where did those notions of yours go? If you have lost touch with them, how do you find them again?

For me, I got to thinking (Dangerous pastime, I know!)... And I mentally went back in time... back to when I was about 4 and 5 years old. I thought about all the times grown-ups would ask, "So... What do you want to be when you grow up?" My responses varied a little, and in looking back, I now realize that I didn't yet possess the vocabulary to accurately express the ideas I had in my young, little head.

To the best of my ability, I generally told those grown-ups that I wanted to be a "teacher" or a "witch." Imagine that!!! haha I got more than a few raised eyebrows on that one!! But to me at age 4, a witch was a healer. I wasn't meaning a nurse or doctor... I meant a healer. I just didn't know what it was called, so I formed a category I thought covered it... maybe not so eloquently. When asked "Why a teacher?" I answered with, "I want to teach people to not be mean... to be nice, and to think." I didn't see myself teaching English, or History, or Science, or Home-Ec... to me at that age, a teacher was someone who taught compassion, how to be smart, who showed the way... and taught by example.

That was how I envisioned the someday-adult-Paula, would be. She would be someone who was a healer and who could assist in showing the way. How esoteric of me! Woo-woo!! (I'm chuckling) hahaha But at the age of 4 and 5, I didn't quite know how to properly express this... and maybe it was just as well. The grown-ups had a tendency to smile, pat me on the head, chuckle and say something like, "Oh how cute! Isn't that nice." It wasn't like they were asking because they would actually take me seriously!!!

It wasn't long before I began hearing: "You should be a nurse." OR "You should teach little kids." So people began "should-ing" on me fairly early in life. I'm sure most you out there experienced that too. This, in turn, taught me to "should" on myself. Soon, I could no longer "hear" that little girl who wanted... anything.

Now, now... Don't cry for my Argentina!! We ALL went through some variation of this. THAT is why SO MANY people today are struggling with "What do I really want to be when I grow up?" ...and they are 30,... 45 years old!!!

So where does this leave us? Being older than we thought we'd be when trying to figure it out! It leaves us with attending class reunions and learning that many of our classmates have already had 3, 4, or even 5 "careers" and some are still looking for... what they really want to be when they grow up. Guess what? That's Ok!

It's not too late to find what you love to do, to change careers, and to find your passion. However you want to phrase it, it's not too late! But it will probably take some work. It will take some digging and some commitment. You will most likely have to be willing to delve deep into yourself and bring out some things that got buried along the way. I have found that keeping a journal is most helpful. Meditation is helpful, although not easy. I have also been doing a ton of reading. Ahh... the reading...

A couple of years ago, I discovered "The Law of Attraction," by Ester & Jerry Hicks. I listened to it as a book on CD. Late last year, I discovered another of their books, "The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide." I just finished it. Very enlightening! Within the last year or so, I began hearing about a book called "The Secret," by Rhonda Byrne (which is also becoming a movie) ... Turns out, that one is all about learning to use the Law of Attraction. Go figure! I haven't yet had the chance to read "The Secret," but it IS on my reading list. The book I just started is, "The New Earth: Awakening Your Life's Purpose," by Eckhart Tolle, also the author of "The Power of Now." I heard about it from Oprah. It turns out that in the beginning of March (2008), she is hosting an online, 10 week, workshop based on the book. Co-facilitating it will be the author, Eckhart Tolle. How cool is that? And the online workshop is free. You can click on the Oprah link to go to Oprah's website and learn more! Response has been wild! This is hot... See? Lots of people want to understand this stuff. We are not alone!

I have been a "metaphysical-type" for a many years now... exploring various books and various spiritual ideas and flavors. I always knew that eventually, this path would lead me to something that I loved to do and felt good about. There have been a few times, when I came close to following my heart-felt path. Along the way, there have been a handful of nay Sayers in and out of my life, who felt the need to squash my ideas or tell me I was crazy or wrong for thinking this, that, or the other. Maybe they didn't intend to have that effect upon me, but that was the end result. It temporarily smothered my internal spark from igniting my heart-felt passion for what my soul was calling me to do. That resulted in feeling sad and depressed. I kept wondering what happened to the spark I used to have... where had it gone? It took a while for me to rediscover it.

Now, having said that, I must take responsibility for allowing these various people to have that effect upon me. Especially once I was a grown adult! Unfortunately, at those times, I just wasn't seeing what was happening. These were people who had been important to me, thus I trusted their opinions a little too much. I wasn't quite "getting it" (yet) that ultimately; I had to be the one to say,
"So what's it to ya? Why are you so invested in keeping me down? Why do you want to keep me from pursuing what feels right to me? Why can't you just let me be who I am and allow me to pursue what interests me?"
And ultimately, I needed to shake off their opinions and doubts, not let them get to me, and I needed to put my foot down and follow what my soul was trying to tell me. It sounds like such a no-brainer now!! But it just wasn't that easy when I was trying to find my truest path. But that is all water under the proverbial bridge. That was then... this is NOW! And NOW is all I can take care of... Now and the Future!

Life is complicated these days... now more than ever. You will sometimes make "mistakes," but that is part of learning! It's Ok to make some mistakes... they will be a part of your path!

It is said in some circles (and I believe this) that if you prevent a person from progressing on their path, you will incur negative karma for stunting them. Even if you block them by way of not holding them responsible for their own personal development, that is still blocking their progress!! Some folks don't realize that they are doing this to others. Well-meaning or not, it all becomes a matter of trying to control other people and situations... to a greater or lesser degree. It's an impossible endeavor. In the end, you cannot get away with controlling other people or their lives, and you cannot change other people. If you can't accept them as they are, walk away. If they cannot accept you for who you are, as you are right now... walk away. Easier said than done, I know.

You cannot change the past. You can stop others from pushing you down now, but it takes courage and the strength to stand and tell them what's what! Even if you waiver and find yourself down, you have the power to get back up and make the changes you want in your own life!!! You can really only control your own thoughts, deeds, and actions... in the here and now... and you can effect your future. As Gandhi used to say, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

I am now at a place where I can see some very positive things begining to happen in my life. Some things I had been struggling with are now resolving and I am begining to see some things with more clarity. I am making sense of things that I had been confused about. I am formulating what my "purpose" might be... and I see that it very possibly is multiple choice! I am finding joy in the possibilities!
Still waiting for carpet... but life is good!

Be well,
~Paulena

Delightful Christmas!!

I was at my grandmother's (Nana's) house with my Mom and Don (my step-dad). We were doing the usual Christmas Eve traditions we do every year. All the gifts had been brought over the day before. That evening around 4:30pm, we arrived with most of dinner. Mom and I prepared and warmed up what was left to prepare for dinner. When dinner was ready, we all prepared our dinner plates -- buffet style. Black Forest ham, sweet potatoes with toasted marshmallows on top, fresh green beans, fruit salad, and fresh-baked cresent rolls.

We finished dinner, and had our key-lime pie and coffee. My Mom was unusually anxious to get started with opening the gifts. This had always been how my grandfather (Baba) had been, so we joked that she was channeling my Baba! I figured that she was just really excited to see what was in the big box with her name on it!

So we finally went into the living room, where the tree and gifts were patiently waiting. Mom always "plays Santa" and retrieves the gifts out from under the tree and distributes them among us. Meanwhile, Don sets up his video camera to record the evening's events. Once Mom had handed out all the packages, she excitedly sat down and got out her new camera. This was the new camera that Don had bought her about three weeks earlier -- as her early Christmas gift. And just so you will understand the humor in all of this, let me give you a bit of background...

. . . Earlier in the year, my Mom had her eye on the Olympus Evolt E-510 digital SLR camera. She was wanting to upgrade from her FujiFilm FinePix S7000. We tend to somehow coordinate on these things without even knowing it. We both love our S7000s. But I had also reached a place with my S7000 where I was bumping into a few limitations and I also wanted to upgrade to either the Olympus E-410 or the E-510. There were so many things I wanted to try and experiment with and learn. So much more I wanted to be able to do with what I was learning in digital photography.

I have been an Olympus photographer for years!! My very first camera I ever bought with my own money was an Olympus 110mm point-n-shoot camera. And my first 35mm SLR (single-lens-reflex) camera was the Olympus OM-1n (in 1979), and my second camera (in 1985) was the Olympus OM-2s. I still have both of those SLR film cameras and the lenses. I can't seem to bear to part with them. So I had done a great deal of research into the new Olympus digital SLR cameras. . . and unbeknownst to me, so had Mom. I was saving up for my E-510, when I was laid-off from my job at the end of November. I was quite bummed-out! Not only was I now in a bit of a financial bind and hoping I can pay the mortgage, but my dream-camera would now have to wait a lot longer. It was a brick wall. Very frustrating. I would have to "re-group."

About three weeks before Christmas, Don took Mom out to look at cameras. He went ahead and purchased her early Christmas gift. . . the Olympus Evolt E-510. When she called me (all excited) and told me about it, I told her she was a big brat and we chuckled about it. I was really happy for her, but it was a little bittersweet for me. It was a giant representation of my sudden jobless state and it stung, ever-so-slightly. I was still feeling overwhelmed and bummed about the lay-off and the financial belt-tightening I was having to do. No one meant for it to be that way, but it's just one of those quirky life things that happens.

Mom wanted for me to help her learn to use her new camera. And while I really looked forward to the opportunity to get my hands on it and play with it, I was still trying to conquer the unemployment blues. So I wasn't as enthusiastic as I would usually be, but I knew I'd overcome that in short order, I just needed a bit of time. Within a week or so I was gradually becoming better equipped to assemilate my situation, life, and the technical nature of her new camera, although I had not yet had the time to read any of the instructions. Yes, I'm one of those odd-balls that must read at least some of the instructions, then experiment. . . then read more instructions, then experiment more. . . and so on. But with the holiday frenzies, there had not yet been time. But I was looking forward to the opportunity.

So. . . there we were on Christmas Eve, sitting in the living room and Mom was retrieving her new camera so that she might capture the evening's events! I had taken a few photos with her new camera and it was every bit as nifty as I had imagined. With camera in hand, she was insistant that I be the first to open a gift, and she insisted that she choose which one it should be! She was absolutely giddy! I laughed and went along with it.

She chose the larger of my packages and made me wait until all cameras were ready and trained on me. I was really beginning to wonder if a ferret was going to jump out of that box, or what! I began tearing the wrapping paper off of the box. Underneath was a plain brown box that seemed to have been shipped recently. But in our family, boxes can be deceiving. Once I had the wrapping off, I began to work on the tape that sealed the top. I required a blade to cut through the tape, and Don graciously supplied his pocket knife. He slit the tape for me and asked me to wait until he was back behind the camera.

Once he was behind his camera again, I was "allowed" to continue. I bent open the first box flap, then the second flap. I bent open the third and I removed some packing material. Then I bent open fourth flap and revealed what looked like an Olympus box, a camera bag, and some other items. I gasped and blinked back tears. As the realization trickled over me of what I was seeing in that box, I pulled the inner box out of the outter shipping box. Yes, indeed. . . It was an Olympus Evolt E-410 digital SLR camera with the two lens package, an extra battery, the battery charger, a 2gig CF memory card, and the camera bag!!! I squealed with joy and tears began to involuntarily stream down my cheeks. I was so suprised, so happy, so touched. . . that they had found a way to afford such a wonderful gift for me. What an amazingly wonderful, kind and thoughtful thing to do. . . Not in my wildest dreams had I imagined that one of those cameras was in my near future!!

Since the E-410 and the E-510 are so similar, Mom and I are now learning them together. I know that it's more a matter of photographer skill and not as much "the camera," but having a camera that will allow you to do and try the things you want to do is. . . well, it's just fun and exciting!! I'm a step closer now to my eventual goal of becoming a semi-professional or professional photographer. And while I still have days where I feel frustrated about my current employment situation, I'm feeling much brighter with something new to learn. And who knows what this might bring into my life! I'm still getting through the instructions and learning all the amazing things this camera will allow me to do. But it's a joy of discovery as I experiment. It is amazingly similar in feel to my old SLR film cameras that I so love! But this is even better. I was telling Mom that it's like someone took my Olympus OM-2s and took it to the spa and did a wonderful, total make-over on her! And now. . . she's a new (and way better) camera!! haha

I'm translating as I learn features and what they mean so that Mom can experiment too. So stay tuned to our Flickr sites, as I'm sure she & I will both be posting new photos soon!
Mom's flickr site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/empresspat/
and my Flickr site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/calico/

Oh yes, the rest of the Christmas Eve evening. . . was fun, and delightful. It is always great fun to watch everyone open their packages and see their expressions. I think that is my favorite part. . . seeing the expressions! Well, that and recieving something wonderful that you never expected. . . and even little things and things you might have guessed. It's is all so appreciated. We all had a great evening. We talked on the phone to my Uncle and Aunt in Maryland and thanked them for the gifts they sent. Although I haven't had the chance to talk in depth with my Dad & step-mom, Julie (they are out of town for a couple of days), I have spoken briefly with them and it seems everyone in our family had a great Christmas.

I hope everyone's holiday has been wonderful and filled with warmth, love, and maybe even a miracle or two! I feel like I've had a miracle.
And may your New Year be filled with joy and prosperity!
Be Well,

~Paulena

Having Faith...

In keeping with my last post. . .
There are times to let go, and then there are times to keep the faith. It is sometimes very difficult to know the difference between the two! And Sometimes. . . they are one in the same. Confused? Don't feel bad. I believe much of it has to do with going deep within oneself and taking an honest look inside, AND learning to feel what your "gut" is trying to tell you. I suppose it's a bit of a balancing act. If you are blessed enough to learn how to "hear" your Angels and/or Guides, by all means LISTEN to them!! But do not mistake them for your own inner wishes, desires, or fears!

Occasionally we might misinterpret what we sense. "Is this really just my own desire to have things my way? Or could it be my inner fears surfacing? OR -- is it really my higher guidance-- that special something, being brought to me from a higher place through my senses?" It's really tough to know some days. I believe meditation can help us separate out those questions and help us learn what to trust. But we have to be very honest with ourselves to do this. That means taking responsibility for paying attention and sifting through it. To do that, we must take responsibility for keeping the mental and emotional clutter down, and, keeping ourselves clear of other people's games. That can be really hard.

Sadly, I have noticed so many people who choose to use any excuse to stay lazy and to lie to themselves -- anything to keep control of a situation or of other people. I sometimes think they may be incapable of being honest with themselves. For some, it's only for a relatively short time, and for others -- it's for the entire duration of their lives! Either way, while in the thick of it, they are the ones who are constantly pointing fingers at everyone else, nit-picking at people, and blaming others for all that goes wrong in their lives. They want and expect others to do things their way, and if things don't get done their way. . . there will be hell to pay. That is when they are especially good at the put-downs. Do it their way or you are wrong. . . or stupid. . . or incompetent. . . or. . . the list goes on. They usually want to control other's actions and feelings, but not take any responsibility for their own! Then they want to whine about how sad their life is, how mean and uncaring people are to them. . . and they want to drag anyone else down with them. Heaven forbid they should DO anything to improve their situation on their own!! I suppose they get much more response from whining. . . at least for a while, until others get sick of putting up with it.

I hate to see anyone take that path and do that to themselves. . . or subject others to it. It's a selfish behavior. It's also destructive to them and anyone else in their life. It seems these manipulators are especially good at entangling the people they profess to love! They can be so good at shooting put-downs at their "loved-ones," making fun of them, using guilt on them, and negating what's important to those "loved-ones." That is NOT love! The manipulators seem to generally want to step all over their "loved-ones" to keep them down. That also, is NOT love! I suppose this keeps the manipulator feeling like they have the upper hand, feeling superior -- like they have all the control. Perhaps this behavior is what a manipulator grew up calling "love," but they are horribly mistaken.

Unfortunately, the loved-one involved is frequently so busy trying to please the manipulator, they may not initially notice that they are being kept down. They may not see how low their self-esteem has plummeted. You might wonder how or why anyone would allow themselves to get tangled with such a manipulator.

It might be hard to understand. But most manipulators can be quite charming in the beginning. The are willing to put time, attention, and energy into reading people --but only in the beginning. And only because it serves their purpose for a short time. It gets them the information they need. This is usually in order for them to ascertain how to gain trust and how to "get in" with someone. It's how they lull someone into feeling safe with them. They usually chose trusting people. Then, very gradually, the subtle manipulations begin. But it is initially so subtle, that the targeted person may tell themselves they are being too critical or suspicious. They dismiss it. If the targeted person does react, the manipulator might pout and play the, "How could you not trust me after all we've been through?" card. . . or something similar. Pouting is a popular tool they use. Some of them also like to use intellectualizing as a tool. Either way, you end up feeling stupid or emotionally callous! Gradually, the manipulator convinces the targeted person that they are imagining things or that they are just too nit-picky. Over time, somehow it seems to work.

Eventually, some targeted people may wake up and realize how unbalanced life has become. But it's especially hard if you grew to love the person you thought they were. I've noticed that once people have imprisoned themselves in either side of this repeated course of action, it becomes difficult for them to break free and re-learn to be honest with themselves. For the manipulators, they don't seem interested in taking responsibility for their own life and behavior. It seems it's too easy to just fall back on the excuses, blame others, and continue controlling at any cost. I have sometimes wondered if it might be some sort of addiction for them.

For the loved-one who has taken to the over-pleasing behavior and ignoring how low they feel, it can be hard to admit that they have allowed someone to put them in such a mucked-up place. Think about it -- It's hard to admit when someone fools you. So when the realization hits, it's hard for them to admit that maybe the manipulator is not the person they had once believed! When people wake-up and get tired of the manipulation and the stupid emotional games, many will muster up the courage to leave the situation. They must, if they will ever regain their own sanity and well-being. But for the manipulator, all too often, it's just more of the blame-game. It's truly sad to see.

Learning (or re-learning) to be really honest with ourselves can be tough, but it is necessary if we want to find peace in our lives, and live in happiness.

I believe part of being honest with ourselves, is learning to see when we have allowed ourselves to become tangled with someone who has chosen the manipulator path. We have to be brave enough to make the hard choices that will break us free. Only then can we resume pursuing our own path. You can allow them to be controlling. . . it's what they do! Accept it, but just let them do it with someone else! You don't owe it to anyone to chain your life to that.

Make no mistake, IF you are entangled with someone like that, they will make it almost impossible for you to free yourself. They will do or say practically anything to keep control over you. It's their specialty. The feeling of power they get from controlling someone is what I believe they really love. . . not the person. They might even believe that they ". . . can't live without you." How absurd!!! That is more manipulative crap!! Of course they can live without you!! They cannot live without air! But you cannot continue to live a healthy life within a suffocating system like that. Do not fall for anyone trying to blame you for how they feel. And PLEASE Do NOT fall for anyone trying to blame you for what they will do. What they chose to do is their choice. No one is ever to blame for another's suicide or otherwise harmful actions. We are each responsible only for our own thoughts, deeds and actions! Others make their choices and must live (or not) with them! What you choose to do about your situation (or not), is your choice. Just know ahead of time, that it won't be easy. . . but in the end, once you break free to pursue your life and your path in your own unique way, it will have been worth the clash. You can find peace!

~~I once had a fortune cookie that read, "A path with no obstacles, probably leads nowhere." In other words, the obstacles are what teach us the lessons in life and make life worthwhile. Take the path with some obstacles and allow yourself to learn from them! Just don't get stuck in them.~~

It seems to me that letting go of our attachment to the outcome of any happenings, events in life, or even other people's actions, can help us to sort through the internal questions and doubts. That can also mean allowing others to follow the path they feel they need to follow. Just don't allow them to push you down. Don't allow anyone to snuff out your passion or your inner fire! If they try, then it's not balanced. . . it's not meant to be! Let them go. . . Show them the door and shut it behind them. Instead, look for someone who allows you to be YOU -- who accepts you that way, and who you are comfortable being around while they are in their truest form!

If someone comes into your life, terrific. If they have to leave, that may be sad, but let it be. Let them go! Take the lessons, move through it and move on. If they come back, great! Work with it. . . whether it be to allow them to stay or perhaps you feel the need to send them on their way again. Find the flow of it and work within that. What is your "gut" trying to tell you about the situation? Not your fears. . . what is your "GUT" -- your intuition, trying to say to you? Listen. There seems to be a lot to this matter of "Allowing." Allow yourself to do what honestly feels right for you (without harming others), while allowing others to follow their path. . . even when that means letting them go.

Releasing our attachment to outcomes can also help us to recognize that there may be a better situation for us around the corner. Of course this also entails letting go of any fear we might harbor. I think fear keeps us from accomplishing our best in so many areas of life! I am no exception there, and that has always been a series of lessons for me. I have been learning (sometimes over & over again!) that the releasing of fear, has much to do with having faith. Having Faith, and Allowing. . . they seem to be interrelated. It all seems to be connected to knowing how and when to let go AND have faith!! That is how they can be one in the same. Having the faith to let go and know that it will all be ok. It will all work out -- frequently better than you could have ever imagined!

I see friends of mine learning these lessons, and I see these lessons being presented to me again in various forms. It's almost as if the Universe is offering me the opportunity to retake that test again. . . with an even better grade this time.

I am allowing others to do what they need to do, in their own way and I hope for the best. It's not always easy! And some of the time, it doesn't feel natural. But I am learning to step aside and let them do what they must. I no longer allow others to push me down. I watch out for that now. But I am willing to stretch and grow. I learn where I can and I am here for friends and family to lean on -- for moral support. I have to trust that things will all work out in a way that is best for everyone. So I don't box myself away awaiting a particular outcome. Instead I accept that any one of several outcomes may come about. I trust that it will be good, and I will work within the flow of that. Always receiving yet another lesson on Letting Go and Having Faith.

Be Well,
~Paulena

Letting Go...

A friend of mine sent me this wonderful e-mail a week or so ago. I have received some form of this before, a time or two... but it is SO TRUE, that I feel a strong need to share it.
In the course of my life, I have occasionally made the mistake of trying to hold on to something or someone, long after it was time to let go. Sometimes it was me trying to hold on to them... and other times it was them trying to hold on to me. In the long run, once we learned to "let it go," I think we are all happier people now. (To them, I send my most sincere well-wishes!) I wish we had learned sooner, but that's how it goes sometimes.

When we use guilt or whatever method to try pulling someone back into staying in our life. . . or if we keep them from following their heartfelt path and leaving, I think that they are never really back with us. I think a part of them can never actually come back. . . that part is already gone. They might go through the motions-- they might seem to try, but their heart may never be in it. So you never really have the entire person back with you. So what's the point? It's never the same again.

I learned the long hard lessons... well, the hard way! I wish I had understood this mindset a very LONG time ago... and taken it to heart. I wish I had understood then, that there will always be a better situation around the corner... just waiting for us to enter. But much like Dorothy and the Ruby Slippers, sometimes we have to learn things in our own way, in our own time... and figure out we had the power and ability to get there the whole time. We deal with the pain it causes us... and hopefully we grow from it.
With no further ado... A great lesson to learn and take to heart.

There are people who can walk away from you. And that is OK!!!
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk!!

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone, or close the door.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us.

For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over... Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.........

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed.......

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007... & 2008...!!!


LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then....

LET IT GO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wise words, & wise thinking.
A line from "The GodFather" comes to mind... "It's not personal, it's business!"
It might feel personal, but try not to take it that way... try to move past that. It will take time, but try to understand that we are all in the business of living our lives and doing what is best for each of us. We must each follow our own path. And if someone honestly feels that it's time for them to leave and move on... Let Them!

I try to remember that any and all struggles I have been through or allowed into my life are not wasted time. It sometimes feels like it was wasted, but I have to bless those times as a part of what has made me who I am today... and then lovingly let it go. Sometimes, I have a day where I think too much about things of the past. I think about how I wish I had handled this or that differently, or I wish I had not tried to change the direction of something or someone. Then I give my brain a "high-five," I take a deep breath, and release it back into the Universe. I ask God and the Angels to please take it away and transform it into a more positive energy for the greater good.

I like to think that I have since learned this lesson. I feel that I have made great progress on this in the last 7 or 8 years. For that, I am grateful! I hope I will continue to learn, grow and be wise enough, now and in the future, to not take on so much struggle and to "Let go" when it is time.

Be Well...
~Paulena

Oh my Meg...

I was going along just fine today. Then all at once, I wrote down the date. . . and boom! I had to take a deep breath, look up, and blink rapidly in an effort to hold back the tears. I was successful, for the time being. Once I got home from work, the moment had slipped my mind. Then later, I was comfortable in my reading chair, I reached over to get a pen to jot down a note. For whatever odd reason, boom - it hit me again. . . that it was August 9th. The tears unexpectedly began to well up again. "Has it really been 6 years?" I said softly to myself. "Oh my word. How I miss her so very, very much!" And with that, the tears began to quietly roll down my cheek.

My dear sweet baby kitty, Meggy. Shown here many years ago, when she was just a kitten - just a few months after she was born in my closet. (You can click on the photo and learn a tad more about her) She lived to the ripe old age of 18 years and 6 months. It was August of 2001 and she had begun to act a bit strange. Back then, my vet (Cheryl) made house calls. So Cheryl came over on the 7th and took a look at Meg. It appeared that my poor old kitty had some sort of blockage near her bladder. Cheryl gave her a dose of antibiotics, in the hope that perhaps there was an infection and the medicine would bring down swelling. We gave it two days. But on the morning of the 9th, Meg was back to the strange behavior again. I went to work and I called Cheryl, knowing what the probable outcome would have to be. It broke my heart. We made the appointment for that afternoon. . . I think it was for 3pm. My Mom (who was my boss back then) told me to take the rest of the day off and go spend it with Meg. My Mom called my Dad (they've been divorced for years, but they get along great now). Mom asked my Dad if he would please go over to my apartment and be there for me during the appointment, since she couldn't be there. Dad said he would absolutely do that.

I spent the day with Meg. I gave her some of her favorite canned food treat. She normally ate dry food, but the canned food was for times when her teeth were bothering her or I just wanted to give her a little treat. She gratefully ate the treat. She got to spend quality time out on the balcony in her favorite camp chair. . . but she always seemed to think that it was a great kitty hammock! Perfect size and shape for the average kitty body. As the afternoon sun cooperated and moved around to light the balcony, she basked in the sun. I sat next to her, in the other chair, positioned in a shady spot, and I read. She would occasionally stretched out her paw and touch my thigh. I'd look over at her and she would be looking up adoringly at me, as if to thank me for the glorious afternoon. I was so eternally grateful that it was such a beautiful Summer day. It was warm, and a bit humid for Albuquerque, but great for Summer. At some point, Meg decided she was too warm, and she jumped off the chair and turned to look up at me. It was as if to say, "Have you had enough of the sunshine? I have, let's go in now." I smiled at her and I closed my book and went in the living room with her. She lead the way.

We went into the study, where I had a wonderful East-facing window and could see the Sandia mountains. Thunderstorms were brewing over the mountains and beginning to move toward the city. It was after all, our monsoon season. We settled onto the futon-sofa and Meg curled up in my lap. I petted her silky fur and she purred. I had to read some more. I couldn't stand to do much thinking at that point. She didn't look sick. She didn't act sick. But her bladder was blocked and it was most likely a tumor. There was nothing that could be done to save her. She was too old to operate on. So I opened my book with my free hand and read, while I stroked her beautiful soft furry form. She purred until she fell asleep, but even then, she would occasionally wake and immediately purr.

I began to hear thunder a few miles away. I looked out the window and the clouds had thickened substantially. I saw a flash of lightning. I looked at the clock and it was about 2:30pm. About five minutes later, there was a knock at my door. It was my Dad. He hugged me so tight. He told me he was so very sorry, but that I wouldn't want her to suffer. I told him, "I know, but that doesn't make letting go any easier."

When I had answered the door and let Dad in, Meggy had followed me, as she usually did. She jumped up on the living room couch and sat down. She was ready for my Dad to pay homage to her beauty. Dad dutifully bend down and scratched behind her ears and pet her. She closed her eyes and purred. About that time there was another clap of thunder. Meggy jumped down and ran into the bedroom and hid from the noise. That was about the time that the thunderstorm let loose. It poured!! It was a torrential downpour. . . the type that causes flash floods. Dad and I sat and chatted, while we waited for Cheryl to arrive. The rain continued and 3pm came. . . and passed. I figured Cheryl was stuck somewhere in the rain. At about 3:15pm, she called from her cell phone. She told me it would be a little bit, as she was stuck in the North Valley. She had been there seeing another client when the rain hit. One of the main roads there was flooded and she was having to take an alternate route, but it would take longer. I told her it was not a problem. . . I didn't mind the extra time with my sweet little fuzzy baby.

Meggy had made her way into the bathroom during the storm and regally situated herself upon a purple towel I had left on the counter. I let her stay there. She seemed comfortable there during the storm. That bathroom had two doors - one leading to the master bedroom, and another leading into the main living area. I sat in there with Meg, while Dad stood in the doorway to the living room. We chatted some more. I don't now remember about what. He was so sweet just to be there for me. I decided I wanted a photo of Meg on that purple towel. I knew it would be the last photo I would be able to take of her alive. I didn't have any film, but I did have a first generation digital camera. That is to say that it was not a great digital camera, but at least it would take some photos. I took a few photos of her on the towel. The first one I took, woke her from her nap and she appeared to be a little groggy. But then I told her, "Look at me sweet baby girl"and she perked up.

After a while, I think it was about 4pm, Cheryl arrived. She examined Meggy while she sat on her royal towel on the counter top. As expected, the swollen area had not gone down and Meg was blocked again. It would have only been a matter of a few hours before it would cause toxicity and great discomfort. There truly was nothing else that could be done. It was time. I wrote out a check for Cheryl. She suggested to get that out of the way, as things would be difficult enough later. Then I gently gathered Meggy up in my arms and took her into the bedroom. Dad picked up the towel and brought it. I asked him to lay the towel on the bed, where Meggy would be comfortable. I laid Meg down on the towel, on the bed. She wasn't sure she wanted to play this little game. She squirmed a little. I calmed her. Cheryl said that Meg would need a sedative first, as she was still kind of spunky. How ironic. That broke my heart too. She gave Meg the sedative shot and then she and my Dad went into the living room and sat on the couch. They chatted, while I had my last few minutes with Meggy.

Just then my other cat, Teazer jumped up on the bed. He was only 3 years old, but he seemed to understand that something of significance was happening. He is normally a bit of a handful. . . kind of a pill. But right then, he was calm, gentle, and well-behaved. He sniffed at Meggy and he nuzzled her. . . as if he knew it might be good-bye. I had mostly held back the tears. . . until that moment. Then Teazer jumped down and went into the living room, with Dad and Cheryl.

I could hear Cheryl talking to Teazer. He was trying to steal her pens and pull on the handle to her medical bag. She is always so sweet and gentle with him. . . even when he is being a little devil. It was only a few minutes, maybe five or ten that I had left to cuddle Meg. She became very groggy. Cheryl came in and checked her pulse and said it was time. She asked my Dad to please gently hold Meggy's back legs. Cheryl said Meg might jerk a little when the needle went in. I sat curled around my precious baby. I talked sweetly to her to ease the confusion that I imagined she must be feeling in a groggy state. My Dad had tears in his eyes, only one of about 4 times in my life that I have witnessed it. There was a slight jerk, but not much. I stroked Meggy's fur and talked to her. . . and I cried. Gradually, she relaxed more and more. Cheryl monitored her vital signs and told me when my sweet Meg was gone.

I don't remember much right after that. Only the sorrow. I know I must have seen Cheryl out the door. Dad help me gather Meggy's lifeless body. I took her over to my Dad's house. He has a few acres in the far NE heights, near the foot of the mountains. We had agreed that we would bury her there. The rest was mostly a blur. I know that Dad had me wait in the house while he dug the hole. We placed her in the ground and I sprinkled her with lavender and mint (she always love the way they smelled), before Dad buried her. She lays in view of the Sandia Mountains.

I still remember most of it almost like it was yesterday. So vivid, so strange. So you may wonder why I wrote of this now. I don't even know for sure, only that the anniversary came. . . sneaked up on me actually. Last year, it was a day that passed uneventfully. I remembered, but it didn't grab hold of me. I'm not sure why it hit so strong this year. It wasn't like I was counting the days or anything. I wasn't. It actually surprised me. I didn't expect to have any reaction. The date almost slipped past me. I expected the same this year. Maybe it's just fresher in my mind this year due to my friend loosing her husband to cancer. Maybe that has those memories closer to the surface.
2001 was an emotionally charged time for me. Two days after Meggy's death, my boyfriend of that time (Gilbert B.) learned that his cancer had returned. We had only met a short time before he was diagnosed! He had fought the cancer for 5 months, then had a month where he thought he was in the clear. . . then the news that it had returned. Three months later, he also died. Bad year.
And in between all that, of course -- Sept. 11th happened. What a crazy year!
And as you might imagine. . . if I remember Meggy's passing this vividly, of course I remember Gilbert's passing just as vividly, and maybe more so. But where as Meggy had a wonderfully long & full life, Gilbert was only 33 when he died. He loved cats. It was my hope that when he passed, perhaps Meggy was there to greet him along with his loved ones. I hope they took care of one another. I'm sure they have both watched over me.

I suppose it's just hard to believe it has been six years! I still think of them frequently.
Don't take time with loved ones for granted. Let people know that you love them. Give of your time. Life can turn in a New York Minute! Slow down and enjoy the people (and pets) who you have been blessed to have in your life.
Appreciate!

~Paulena

Farewell to Ed Yost

I'm sure many of you won't know or appreciate who Ed Yost was. Not to be confused with "Eddie Yost," the baseball player. But I appreciate who he was and I actually had the privilege of meeting him. He was a character & a half! A real hoot. He was one of the most fun codgers I ever had the pleasure of meeting and hanging out with. I'm sorry to say, he passed away this past Sunday (5/27/07) at his home, near Taos, NM. He was 87 years old.

Ed Yost (born Paul Edward Yost, 6/30/1919, near Bristow, Iowa) was the Father of Modern-day Ballooning. He was an inventor and a pilot, both fixed-wing and balloon. And in ballooning, he was rated for just about every type of ballooning you could imagine! He was rated for hot-air balloon "with air-borne heater" (as the FAA terms it), and for gas balloon. He kinda wrote the "book" on ballooning. I realize that here in New Mexico, there are a few other guys around who have a similar "title," but Ed was the one that really kind of educated them. Ed really was the Father of modern-day ballooning. . . the others were off-shoots. And, I think none of them have been as gracious, kind, friendly, and "real" as Ed always seemed to be.

I won't take up bunches of space here with the story of his life. His accomplishments were many and he was an amazing fellow, although what I knew of him, he was also a bit modest and never took himself too seriously. That was one of the things I really liked about him. He was fun to be around.
I'll give you a few links that you can check out if you'd like.
http://www.lighterthanair.org/ellis/ed_yost.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Yost
http://www.balloonlife.com/publications/balloon_life/9801/9808/deIIyost.htm
http://www.nysun.com/article/55436
http://www.cantonrep.com/index.php?ID=357233&Category=23&subCategoryID=
http://sev.prnewswire.com/travel/20070529/AQTU09129052007-1.html

That should be enough to get you started! haha Like I said, he was a real character!

I had the opportunity to meet him . . . Let's see, what was the year? I'm pretty sure it was Summer of 1981, in Amarillo, Texas, at a hot-air balloon rally. I was only a student pilot at that time. (I got my private pilot license in November of 1982.) I was at the Amarillo rally with my husband at that time, Norm. The Amarillo Balloon Rally was also affectionately called "the high wind landing practice rally." I think there was something like four flights scheduled, but I think we only got in two of them, in the mornings. The afternoon flights were "winded-out" as we say in ballooning. Those turned into tailgate and BS sessions.

I met Ed the first morning of the rally, after flying. We had all flown, landed, packed-up and returned to the launch site, as was customary back then. That's when the tailgating & circulating began. Ed Yost was making the rounds, just talking to everyone. I think that he lived in the Amarillo area at that time, and so I suppose he was wanting to check in with everyone to make sure that a good time was had by all. He stopped by our truck and we hung out with him for a while.

Ed had founded the Balloon Federation of America (the BFA) a few years prior. But he had since had a falling-out with them. Ed vehemently disagreed with their strict focus upon competitive ballooning. He felt that went against the spirit of what he had founded the BFA to be. So he not only came up with another name to fit their acronym (I'll be polite here and say it was Big Farging Aiceholes, but you get the idea) . . . but he also founded the UN-bfa. The UN-bfa was a tongue-in-cheek group he had made-up patches and stickers for and he handed them out to fellow balloonists. It was his way of getting the word out that he disagreed with the (then) current policies of the BFA, and that he felt that the focus should be more on the fun of sport ballooning and safety and education. . . but definitely the fun. He later resolved his differences with them, and they now have at least an equal, if not bigger focus on ballooning safety & education, as he had always intended.

So Ed was telling the group of us (about 5 or 6 people at our truck) about the "UN-bfa" and one of the Yost rules (there were about 10 of them, if only I could remember them, they were funny) mandating that whomever was the last to receive an UN-bfa patch & sticker, was the "president" of the UN-bfa. He was in his early 60's at that point and I was (I think) the only gal in the group. Back then, I was a pretty, 20 year-old woman, with long hair and. . . well, he was a guy! So he was flirting it up with me and I managed to finagle one of those UN-bfa patches from him. Of course, he reminded me that I now held an awesome responsibility, I was "president" of the UN-bfa. That lasted for all of 10 minutes, until the next person got an UN-bfa patch.

It was a fun weekend hanging out with Ed Yost. He had so many great stories to tell and cool experiences to relate. He was different from some of the other "famous" balloonists in that he was more "down-to-earth" (pardon the pun) than any of the others. He was NEVER full of himself. He was kind, fun, friendly, and warm. He was a joy to be around. And. . . he was a wealth of information.

I have seen him many times since that weekend, at various other rallies and fiestas. He always seemed to be the same ol' fun-to-be-around guy I met back in 1981. I know he will be missed a great deal.
Farewell Ed. Thank you for everything you did for us and everything you taught us. And most of all, thanks for the memories.

~Paulena

Two Hearts

Two hearts connected
by a mysterious Divine Energy.
Joyous when together;
Tortured when apart.

Two hearts yearning
for nothing more than a life together.
Timing seems off;
Life seems cruel.

Two hearts enduring
forced separation, yet still deeply connected.
Agony yeilds resonant aching;
Faith yeilds calming Hope.

Two hearts aspiring
to untangle life events and hoping to come together again.

Love, Light, and Hope
continue to fuel FAITH.

~~with God's help . . .

~Paulena
copyright 2006

October Blue

Usually, Autumn is my favorite time of year. This year however, it would seem that things are going to take some adjustment. I have had a very difficult last two months. At first, it just seemed as though I had only hit a speed bump in life. But a month later. . . a few hours or so after my last post with the balloon video. . . that speed bump became more of a ruddy road riddled with construction and unforeseen detours. The last two weeks were so difficult, then there was what looked like some light, but that dimmed within a couple of days. Now, I've encountered a heartbreaking situation I must transcend.

Heartbreak

Love is grand when it’s going well. Even when it’s going ok, it’s awfully darned nice. But when you expected that things were serious (together for several months, planning future events together, planning moving into a bigger house together. . . ) and then suddenly things crash – they don’t work out the way you thought they were about to (for various reasons), it hurts so very much. You end up having to grieve the relationship, the hopes, the dreams, and all the ideas you thought you would work on together. It’s like something has died. There is a sad, internal ache that resonates within, at least for a while . . . maybe a long while. The tears alone cannot express the pain of a torn heart and all that has been torn from it.

It is especially sad when both of you desperately want to be together and build a life together, but certain circumstances preclude it from being a realistic possibility for the time being. It’s so difficult when you both want that relationship to continue forward, but it is suddenly (out of the blue) apparent that one of you has some tangled-up life issues. Issues that until sorted out, preclude that relationship from being able to move forward for the time being. It has to be put on hold for now. The hard, painful work is still ahead. He has to focus on himself and straighten out the tangled things in his life before he will be able to move forward and be healthy in a healthy relationship.

And so they must part, grieving separately, and missing each other terribly. They both wish to hear the other’s voice, or see the other’s face. They both find themselves thinking almost constantly about the other. But they both know that they must release it and move on, for now. Perhaps a bit like ending a chapter in the story, but not an end to the book. Not yet. They both wonder if at some point in the future, after all that difficult self-sorting and repairing process is complete, perhaps they might meet up again under more appropriate circumstances. Perhaps then they could see what might be possible. That might be months or years away. They know they can’t count on it, but that’s their dream that maybe happy endings do happen sometimes.

Who is the sad couple? It is me and V ( not using his name here, only an initial). In the meantime, I can’t count on dreamy endings. In the meantime, I am here, right now, in the middle of this aching heart that has been torn open by circumstances. Initially, I had no idea that I had entered into such a tangled situation. Sadly, I don’t think he even realized just how tangled his life was until after we became involved. Perhaps he had somehow numbed himself to the tangled-ness of his situation. Maybe I brought him to this place where he could see this and begin a healing process. I don’t know. But now we have had to part so that he can concentrate his energy on healing his life. And I will work on me. For now, I can’t sleep through the night. I have many restless nights when I’m pulled awake and I can feel him in the air. I somehow know that he is also awake, feeling restless too. My tears come, hot across my face and down on to my pillow. In my so-called waking hours, I can barely eat. Trying to eat tends to nauseate me. I’ve lost weight on the heartbreak diet plan. I just try to get through each day. Every so often, my heart silently bellows with the sorrow inside of me. I try to maintain a calm exterior to the world so that I can “function” around other people. Sometimes the tears are just below the surface. Sometimes they sneak out. I’m so tired. I’d like to hibernate now.
Oh the complications! Time. . . heals. No, Love heals. But time allows Love to grow.
Perhaps Love will heal this Love? Now we are back at "Time" again. . . As in: time will tell.

I'm just trying to live in the Light.
~~Paulena

September Already!

I can't believe how fast this year is going by. It's been a relatively busy year for me. And here we are at the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I think of how surreal that must feel to the families of the victims of that day, and to the survivors of that day. It's almost 5 years ago that I lost someone very dear to me, from cancer. I can hardly believe that amount of time has passed. In some ways it does seem possible, since so much has happened since then. But in other ways, it doesn't seem possible because... I don't exactly know why. Time is strange like that.

Today's "therapy" (rambling) moment:
Today, I find myself thinking a lot about the damage that Lack of Communication can do. It can be subtle and sneaky. Sometimes you may not realize the damage is occurring. But then, Bam! There it is. Without enough information, some of us find ourselves trying to fill in the gaps. And with my imagination, that is not always a good thing. I suppose that I'm a bit of a problem-solver by nature. I'm always wanting to figure something out and make sense of things. For example, someone you care deeply about might be going through something very difficult. They used to talk to you about much of it, but then something happens and suddenly they are not sharing as much info with you. You can feel that they aren't telling you something. They might tell you that they don't want to burden you -- or that they just have to figure it out on their own. But you feel cut off. It hurts in a strange, silly sort of way. You try not to worry, as what good would that do anyway? But you feel concern for the loved-one and injured that you are suddenly left out. Meanwhile, what they haven't yet told you is that the reason they are leaving you out is to keep you clear of potential difficulties. They feel that someone is playing head-games with them and they don't want you dragged into it. If only they could/would TELL you about some of this, you wouldn't feel so cut off from them. But, for whatever reason, they feel they can't talk about it. Slowly, a wedge gets driven in. Can you save the relationship?

Good question. I think that one would have to, at least temporarily, change one's expectations. You would have to understand that the person needs some space to figure things out. Perhaps if we can change what we expect from them, then we wouldn't feel hurt. Ideally, they could at least give you a heads-up that they would be slightly unavailable to share their inner-workings with you... for a while. But I think that would be an unusual case. Usually, we would have to figure this out for ourselves and try to bear with them for a while. It's not an easy task when you care so much. But I think sometimes we have to really work hard at being more wise than fear. I think that may be one of the few ways to rise above fear and overcome it.
So I suppose that I'm suggesting that we might have to temporarily suspend our usual expectations of someone who is going through a really tough time. We might have to temporarily bear with minimal information and work with what we have & around what we don't have... and not jump to conclusions. I'll work on that.

~Paulena

Pondering Relationships

Things are always evolving, it would seem. My thoughts change and come back again. I actually started writing this right after Valentines day 2006. A couple of things in my life have evolved since then and I'm not sure where those things might or might not be heading -- time will tell. But my thoughts here (today, below) are still the same.

I keep a journal. I have kept a journal off and on over most of my life. I think that I began this practice when I was about nine years old – fourth grade. I was a Girl Scout and I had purchased an "official" Girl Scout diary, complete with a flap from the back to the front and a lock on it. I used to keep the key in my jewelry box. Back then, I wrote about such earth-shaking news like who had a crush on whom in my fourth-grade class, who I had a crush on, and who had teased me and hurt my feelings. Nowadays my journal entries are more about the occasional philosophical thoughts that might scamper through my mind, and (more likely) my day-to-day concerns regarding work, friends, family – and of course, whatever romantic relationship may or may not be in my life at the time. The one topic I have tended to puzzle over the most would be relationships. Specifically, I have puzzled over romantic relationships.

The question that has been ringing out through my brain time and time again, over the years:
What is it about romantic relationships that cause us to desire them, to seek them out, to sometimes put ourselves through hell and back just to be in them? Other than the obvious sexual gratification angle – Why do we seem to be driven to seek out another person, a partner, and negotiate a relationship?

It has puzzled me for years, but I think I’m beginning to unravel at least part of the mystery. I think I’m beginning to understand. I have been in relationships and out of them. I have been courted, I have been married and I have been divorced. I have struggled to make them work. I have had crushes, and I have experienced heart-break. I think we all have. I have even experienced a loss through death. I have found that once I get past the heart-break and the loss, I do quite well by myself, and on my own. I found it was much easier to not have to worry about what someone else wanted or what to fix for dinner. If I wanted to go home and have cereal or a peanut butter burrito, I could! I had no one to answer to, and no one would gripe at me or nit-pick. I could clean house at eleven o’clock at night if I were on a roll and I wouldn’t disturb anyone but my cats. If I wanted to laze around all day on Saturday, I could. I’m sure you get the idea.

It has seemed to me that it was so much easier and less energy consuming to be single and not in a romantic relationship. There was certainly less heartache! But then, inevitably, I would meet someone who caught my interest. Then the roller-coaster ride would begin again. Sometimes he would have no idea that I might be interested in him – or he was aware of it, just not interested in me in that way. Sometimes he would be a game player, trying to see how he could manipulate me and twist my emotions and then disappear. Some have lied and cheated. Some have seen it all as a form of entertainment, I suppose. And others just wanted their own needs met without any regard to anyone else’s needs or feelings. So often it was very painful in the end. I’d struggle to understand the situation and deal with it and move on, preferably even learning something in the process. I’d try to be graceful. Hopefully I didn’t make a fool of myself. Sometimes I’d even come across someone who claimed to be interested in me! I’d invest some time and energy into it and wrangle with all of it. So often though, it ended up being a situation where they had definite ideas of who they wanted me to be and most of their ideas didn’t match-up with the reality of who I truly was at that time. They wanted to change me in ways that didn’t fit me. In other words, they weren’t willing to just accept me as I was at that time and let us explore things from there. At that point, I’d usually bid them adios. I try to be accepting of others. I believe that it’s not right for me to want to change someone. I believe that if any change is to occur, it has to be a change that individual chooses for himself. So if I can’t accept someone as they are right now, then I need to release them and let them find someone who can. Life has taught me that this is the best way to approach these things. I hope that people I meet will respect me and do the same for me. That has not usually been the case, at least until recently.

So I have continued to ponder why it is that we human beings tend to seek out a partner with whom to be in a relationship – especially now that I have met someone I consider to be very special to my heart. I have been doing some reading, specifically from a book I’ve read a few times before. Its one of those books that you get a little more out of it each time you read it. The book is called “The Road Less Traveled,” by M. Scott Peck. The first time I read it was in 1983 and the next time was probably in 1986 and again in 1999. I got a lot out of it those first few times I read it, but I suppose its a matter of where you are on your life path, as to what you will take away from any particular reading. This time, I seem to be getting much more out of it regarding relationships. And it’s not like these concepts are new to me, but the thoughts seem to be resonating with me on a different level this time – like I’m ready for absorption of those thoughts on a different layer this time. It’s as if I had to go through a number of life lessons in this area before I could re-read this book and gain the insight I needed on the subject.

I realize that hopefully a relationship will feel good and that might be why many people seek them out, but I have also seen the results when things don’t work out well. So it can become a matter of “Was it worth the end pain?” and “Was it worth the trouble?” Even though I realize that lessons are always learned, especially from the painful stuff, I have sometimes felt like the end result was not always worth the trouble. I believe that sometimes, those lessons could only have been learned by way of the so-called bad outcome. Hopefully, we take the lesson forward with us, rather than whining about the “bad experience” and losing the lesson that life offered up to us. The lessons learned are usually worth learning, no matter how they came about. I realize that many, many people go about building relationships in very unhealthy ways. In some cases, those people end up perpetuating their own destructive habits again and again. But when we choose to exercise discipline and we choose to become personally responsible for our own thoughts, deeds and actions – then we can fully participate in our own growth process. I am seeing now that this is when we can recognize a healthy partner choice and achieve a healthy relationship. Now I am seeing that once we learn healthy patterns of living, choosing, and learning, the reason we seek out a relationship is ultimately to extend ourselves personally. In that process, we can experience personal and spiritual growth. So maybe this relationship-seeking thing we do is all a matter of being some sort of deeply instilled soul-instinct to achieve our ultimate growth.

Whatever the mysterious reason we seek those relationships, I find it most educational to read back through my years of journal entries and see the progress I have made and the lessons I have learned over the years. I am a work in progress, but it’s a relief to see that I really am moving forward, learning good lessons, and becoming a better person. At least I hope so and it would seem so from my current perspective.

Thanks for reading my thoughts.
~~Paulena