October Blue

Usually, Autumn is my favorite time of year. This year however, it would seem that things are going to take some adjustment. I have had a very difficult last two months. At first, it just seemed as though I had only hit a speed bump in life. But a month later. . . a few hours or so after my last post with the balloon video. . . that speed bump became more of a ruddy road riddled with construction and unforeseen detours. The last two weeks were so difficult, then there was what looked like some light, but that dimmed within a couple of days. Now, I've encountered a heartbreaking situation I must transcend.

Heartbreak

Love is grand when it’s going well. Even when it’s going ok, it’s awfully darned nice. But when you expected that things were serious (together for several months, planning future events together, planning moving into a bigger house together. . . ) and then suddenly things crash – they don’t work out the way you thought they were about to (for various reasons), it hurts so very much. You end up having to grieve the relationship, the hopes, the dreams, and all the ideas you thought you would work on together. It’s like something has died. There is a sad, internal ache that resonates within, at least for a while . . . maybe a long while. The tears alone cannot express the pain of a torn heart and all that has been torn from it.

It is especially sad when both of you desperately want to be together and build a life together, but certain circumstances preclude it from being a realistic possibility for the time being. It’s so difficult when you both want that relationship to continue forward, but it is suddenly (out of the blue) apparent that one of you has some tangled-up life issues. Issues that until sorted out, preclude that relationship from being able to move forward for the time being. It has to be put on hold for now. The hard, painful work is still ahead. He has to focus on himself and straighten out the tangled things in his life before he will be able to move forward and be healthy in a healthy relationship.

And so they must part, grieving separately, and missing each other terribly. They both wish to hear the other’s voice, or see the other’s face. They both find themselves thinking almost constantly about the other. But they both know that they must release it and move on, for now. Perhaps a bit like ending a chapter in the story, but not an end to the book. Not yet. They both wonder if at some point in the future, after all that difficult self-sorting and repairing process is complete, perhaps they might meet up again under more appropriate circumstances. Perhaps then they could see what might be possible. That might be months or years away. They know they can’t count on it, but that’s their dream that maybe happy endings do happen sometimes.

Who is the sad couple? It is me and V ( not using his name here, only an initial). In the meantime, I can’t count on dreamy endings. In the meantime, I am here, right now, in the middle of this aching heart that has been torn open by circumstances. Initially, I had no idea that I had entered into such a tangled situation. Sadly, I don’t think he even realized just how tangled his life was until after we became involved. Perhaps he had somehow numbed himself to the tangled-ness of his situation. Maybe I brought him to this place where he could see this and begin a healing process. I don’t know. But now we have had to part so that he can concentrate his energy on healing his life. And I will work on me. For now, I can’t sleep through the night. I have many restless nights when I’m pulled awake and I can feel him in the air. I somehow know that he is also awake, feeling restless too. My tears come, hot across my face and down on to my pillow. In my so-called waking hours, I can barely eat. Trying to eat tends to nauseate me. I’ve lost weight on the heartbreak diet plan. I just try to get through each day. Every so often, my heart silently bellows with the sorrow inside of me. I try to maintain a calm exterior to the world so that I can “function” around other people. Sometimes the tears are just below the surface. Sometimes they sneak out. I’m so tired. I’d like to hibernate now.
Oh the complications! Time. . . heals. No, Love heals. But time allows Love to grow.
Perhaps Love will heal this Love? Now we are back at "Time" again. . . As in: time will tell.

I'm just trying to live in the Light.
~~Paulena