Here we are again, December already! Almost one year ago that I met V. Wow, how time flies! Who knew that things would get so twisted up. This has been so difficult, to be apart. The holidays are upon us all and I endeavor to be cheerful. I haven't been able to see him in over two months. I hate how this has to be right now. I had envisioned being together for the holidays, but it is not to be this year. I miss him terribly, but I will have to meander through. I must let him be, so that he can work through his situation and perhaps eventually. . . we shall see. I know that he misses me too. I suppose that will have to be enough for now. So in the meantime, I try to concentrate on sending out Christmas cards (& Chanukah cards, to a couple of my friends), RSVP-ing to holiday parties, and acquisitioning family wish-lists and begin the gift-hunt!!
The gift hunt can be fun for some. I always enjoy shopping for gifts to give to my mom. She is so much fun to watch while she opens her gifts. It's fun anticipating anyone's reactions, but my mom is especially fun. I love to give things I've known that friends and family have wanted. The actual "shopping" part can be arduous. But capturing "the prize" and wrapping it up can be fun. It's the anticipation of their reaction when they open it . . . That's what keeps me trudging through the crowded shops. Although online shopping has become so convenient, that tends to be a preferred method of gift hunting now. I treasure Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day, when I spend time with Loved-ones.
There is one Loved-one I so wish that I could be with this holiday season ("V"). I hope he knows that he is always in my thoughts, and in my heart. Here's to a happier future!!
Enough for now. I have cards to address!
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and Happy New Year.
Treasure moments with your Loved ones. Don't take that for granted!!
Be well . . .
~Paulena
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
Two Hearts
Two hearts connected
by a mysterious Divine Energy.
Joyous when together;
Tortured when apart.
Two hearts yearning
for nothing more than a life together.
Timing seems off;
Life seems cruel.
Two hearts enduring
forced separation, yet still deeply connected.
Agony yeilds resonant aching;
Faith yeilds calming Hope.
Two hearts aspiring
to untangle life events and hoping to come together again.
Love, Light, and Hope
continue to fuel FAITH.
~~with God's help . . .
~Paulena
copyright 2006
by a mysterious Divine Energy.
Joyous when together;
Tortured when apart.
Two hearts yearning
for nothing more than a life together.
Timing seems off;
Life seems cruel.
Two hearts enduring
forced separation, yet still deeply connected.
Agony yeilds resonant aching;
Faith yeilds calming Hope.
Two hearts aspiring
to untangle life events and hoping to come together again.
Love, Light, and Hope
continue to fuel FAITH.
~~with God's help . . .
~Paulena
copyright 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
October Blue
Usually, Autumn is my favorite time of year. This year however, it would seem that things are going to take some adjustment. I have had a very difficult last two months. At first, it just seemed as though I had only hit a speed bump in life. But a month later. . . a few hours or so after my last post with the balloon video. . . that speed bump became more of a ruddy road riddled with construction and unforeseen detours. The last two weeks were so difficult, then there was what looked like some light, but that dimmed within a couple of days. Now, I've encountered a heartbreaking situation I must transcend.
Heartbreak
Love is grand when it’s going well. Even when it’s going ok, it’s awfully darned nice. But when you expected that things were serious (together for several months, planning future events together, planning moving into a bigger house together. . . ) and then suddenly things crash – they don’t work out the way you thought they were about to (for various reasons), it hurts so very much. You end up having to grieve the relationship, the hopes, the dreams, and all the ideas you thought you would work on together. It’s like something has died. There is a sad, internal ache that resonates within, at least for a while . . . maybe a long while. The tears alone cannot express the pain of a torn heart and all that has been torn from it.
It is especially sad when both of you desperately want to be together and build a life together, but certain circumstances preclude it from being a realistic possibility for the time being. It’s so difficult when you both want that relationship to continue forward, but it is suddenly (out of the blue) apparent that one of you has some tangled-up life issues. Issues that until sorted out, preclude that relationship from being able to move forward for the time being. It has to be put on hold for now. The hard, painful work is still ahead. He has to focus on himself and straighten out the tangled things in his life before he will be able to move forward and be healthy in a healthy relationship.
And so they must part, grieving separately, and missing each other terribly. They both wish to hear the other’s voice, or see the other’s face. They both find themselves thinking almost constantly about the other. But they both know that they must release it and move on, for now. Perhaps a bit like ending a chapter in the story, but not an end to the book. Not yet. They both wonder if at some point in the future, after all that difficult self-sorting and repairing process is complete, perhaps they might meet up again under more appropriate circumstances. Perhaps then they could see what might be possible. That might be months or years away. They know they can’t count on it, but that’s their dream that maybe happy endings do happen sometimes.
Who is the sad couple? It is me and V ( not using his name here, only an initial). In the meantime, I can’t count on dreamy endings. In the meantime, I am here, right now, in the middle of this aching heart that has been torn open by circumstances. Initially, I had no idea that I had entered into such a tangled situation. Sadly, I don’t think he even realized just how tangled his life was until after we became involved. Perhaps he had somehow numbed himself to the tangled-ness of his situation. Maybe I brought him to this place where he could see this and begin a healing process. I don’t know. But now we have had to part so that he can concentrate his energy on healing his life. And I will work on me. For now, I can’t sleep through the night. I have many restless nights when I’m pulled awake and I can feel him in the air. I somehow know that he is also awake, feeling restless too. My tears come, hot across my face and down on to my pillow. In my so-called waking hours, I can barely eat. Trying to eat tends to nauseate me. I’ve lost weight on the heartbreak diet plan. I just try to get through each day. Every so often, my heart silently bellows with the sorrow inside of me. I try to maintain a calm exterior to the world so that I can “function” around other people. Sometimes the tears are just below the surface. Sometimes they sneak out. I’m so tired. I’d like to hibernate now.
Oh the complications! Time. . . heals. No, Love heals. But time allows Love to grow.
Perhaps Love will heal this Love? Now we are back at "Time" again. . . As in: time will tell.
I'm just trying to live in the Light.
~~Paulena
Heartbreak
Love is grand when it’s going well. Even when it’s going ok, it’s awfully darned nice. But when you expected that things were serious (together for several months, planning future events together, planning moving into a bigger house together. . . ) and then suddenly things crash – they don’t work out the way you thought they were about to (for various reasons), it hurts so very much. You end up having to grieve the relationship, the hopes, the dreams, and all the ideas you thought you would work on together. It’s like something has died. There is a sad, internal ache that resonates within, at least for a while . . . maybe a long while. The tears alone cannot express the pain of a torn heart and all that has been torn from it.
It is especially sad when both of you desperately want to be together and build a life together, but certain circumstances preclude it from being a realistic possibility for the time being. It’s so difficult when you both want that relationship to continue forward, but it is suddenly (out of the blue) apparent that one of you has some tangled-up life issues. Issues that until sorted out, preclude that relationship from being able to move forward for the time being. It has to be put on hold for now. The hard, painful work is still ahead. He has to focus on himself and straighten out the tangled things in his life before he will be able to move forward and be healthy in a healthy relationship.
And so they must part, grieving separately, and missing each other terribly. They both wish to hear the other’s voice, or see the other’s face. They both find themselves thinking almost constantly about the other. But they both know that they must release it and move on, for now. Perhaps a bit like ending a chapter in the story, but not an end to the book. Not yet. They both wonder if at some point in the future, after all that difficult self-sorting and repairing process is complete, perhaps they might meet up again under more appropriate circumstances. Perhaps then they could see what might be possible. That might be months or years away. They know they can’t count on it, but that’s their dream that maybe happy endings do happen sometimes.
Who is the sad couple? It is me and V ( not using his name here, only an initial). In the meantime, I can’t count on dreamy endings. In the meantime, I am here, right now, in the middle of this aching heart that has been torn open by circumstances. Initially, I had no idea that I had entered into such a tangled situation. Sadly, I don’t think he even realized just how tangled his life was until after we became involved. Perhaps he had somehow numbed himself to the tangled-ness of his situation. Maybe I brought him to this place where he could see this and begin a healing process. I don’t know. But now we have had to part so that he can concentrate his energy on healing his life. And I will work on me. For now, I can’t sleep through the night. I have many restless nights when I’m pulled awake and I can feel him in the air. I somehow know that he is also awake, feeling restless too. My tears come, hot across my face and down on to my pillow. In my so-called waking hours, I can barely eat. Trying to eat tends to nauseate me. I’ve lost weight on the heartbreak diet plan. I just try to get through each day. Every so often, my heart silently bellows with the sorrow inside of me. I try to maintain a calm exterior to the world so that I can “function” around other people. Sometimes the tears are just below the surface. Sometimes they sneak out. I’m so tired. I’d like to hibernate now.
Oh the complications! Time. . . heals. No, Love heals. But time allows Love to grow.
Perhaps Love will heal this Love? Now we are back at "Time" again. . . As in: time will tell.
I'm just trying to live in the Light.
~~Paulena
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
September Already!
I can't believe how fast this year is going by. It's been a relatively busy year for me. And here we are at the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I think of how surreal that must feel to the families of the victims of that day, and to the survivors of that day. It's almost 5 years ago that I lost someone very dear to me, from cancer. I can hardly believe that amount of time has passed. In some ways it does seem possible, since so much has happened since then. But in other ways, it doesn't seem possible because... I don't exactly know why. Time is strange like that.
Today's "therapy" (rambling) moment:
Today, I find myself thinking a lot about the damage that Lack of Communication can do. It can be subtle and sneaky. Sometimes you may not realize the damage is occurring. But then, Bam! There it is. Without enough information, some of us find ourselves trying to fill in the gaps. And with my imagination, that is not always a good thing. I suppose that I'm a bit of a problem-solver by nature. I'm always wanting to figure something out and make sense of things. For example, someone you care deeply about might be going through something very difficult. They used to talk to you about much of it, but then something happens and suddenly they are not sharing as much info with you. You can feel that they aren't telling you something. They might tell you that they don't want to burden you -- or that they just have to figure it out on their own. But you feel cut off. It hurts in a strange, silly sort of way. You try not to worry, as what good would that do anyway? But you feel concern for the loved-one and injured that you are suddenly left out. Meanwhile, what they haven't yet told you is that the reason they are leaving you out is to keep you clear of potential difficulties. They feel that someone is playing head-games with them and they don't want you dragged into it. If only they could/would TELL you about some of this, you wouldn't feel so cut off from them. But, for whatever reason, they feel they can't talk about it. Slowly, a wedge gets driven in. Can you save the relationship?
Good question. I think that one would have to, at least temporarily, change one's expectations. You would have to understand that the person needs some space to figure things out. Perhaps if we can change what we expect from them, then we wouldn't feel hurt. Ideally, they could at least give you a heads-up that they would be slightly unavailable to share their inner-workings with you... for a while. But I think that would be an unusual case. Usually, we would have to figure this out for ourselves and try to bear with them for a while. It's not an easy task when you care so much. But I think sometimes we have to really work hard at being more wise than fear. I think that may be one of the few ways to rise above fear and overcome it.
So I suppose that I'm suggesting that we might have to temporarily suspend our usual expectations of someone who is going through a really tough time. We might have to temporarily bear with minimal information and work with what we have & around what we don't have... and not jump to conclusions. I'll work on that.
~Paulena
Today's "therapy" (rambling) moment:
Today, I find myself thinking a lot about the damage that Lack of Communication can do. It can be subtle and sneaky. Sometimes you may not realize the damage is occurring. But then, Bam! There it is. Without enough information, some of us find ourselves trying to fill in the gaps. And with my imagination, that is not always a good thing. I suppose that I'm a bit of a problem-solver by nature. I'm always wanting to figure something out and make sense of things. For example, someone you care deeply about might be going through something very difficult. They used to talk to you about much of it, but then something happens and suddenly they are not sharing as much info with you. You can feel that they aren't telling you something. They might tell you that they don't want to burden you -- or that they just have to figure it out on their own. But you feel cut off. It hurts in a strange, silly sort of way. You try not to worry, as what good would that do anyway? But you feel concern for the loved-one and injured that you are suddenly left out. Meanwhile, what they haven't yet told you is that the reason they are leaving you out is to keep you clear of potential difficulties. They feel that someone is playing head-games with them and they don't want you dragged into it. If only they could/would TELL you about some of this, you wouldn't feel so cut off from them. But, for whatever reason, they feel they can't talk about it. Slowly, a wedge gets driven in. Can you save the relationship?
Good question. I think that one would have to, at least temporarily, change one's expectations. You would have to understand that the person needs some space to figure things out. Perhaps if we can change what we expect from them, then we wouldn't feel hurt. Ideally, they could at least give you a heads-up that they would be slightly unavailable to share their inner-workings with you... for a while. But I think that would be an unusual case. Usually, we would have to figure this out for ourselves and try to bear with them for a while. It's not an easy task when you care so much. But I think sometimes we have to really work hard at being more wise than fear. I think that may be one of the few ways to rise above fear and overcome it.
So I suppose that I'm suggesting that we might have to temporarily suspend our usual expectations of someone who is going through a really tough time. We might have to temporarily bear with minimal information and work with what we have & around what we don't have... and not jump to conclusions. I'll work on that.
~Paulena
Monday, August 07, 2006
Some music - A guy I hadn't heard of until recently.
Josh Turner - Your Man
I hadn't heard of this guy until very recently. I'm not a die-hard country fan (most of it is ok with me), but I just like this song a lot. He has a terrific voice. It makes me think of my sweetie.
~Paulena
I hadn't heard of this guy until very recently. I'm not a die-hard country fan (most of it is ok with me), but I just like this song a lot. He has a terrific voice. It makes me think of my sweetie.
~Paulena
Monday, July 31, 2006
Lightning Waltz - 7/26/06 Thunderstorm From East Mountains
Another of my recent lightning shots. I've been busy chasing lightning shots (as you can probably see). I haven't made time for writing lately. I'll have to jump back on that soon.
TTFN,
~Paulena
TTFN,
~Paulena
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Snap, Crackle, Pop!
Just a short post, for now. I'm so proud of this lighting shot I caught on July 24th, 2006. I just wanted to share it.
More later...
~Paulena
More later...
~Paulena
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
April is here and GONE!
I know I keep saying it, but ~ My How Time Flies!!!
I keep thinking (a dangerous pastime!) that I'll have more time to get on here and write... but then life happens, very quickly, I might add. I have been getting out and about on the weekends and enjoying the nice Spring weather. Easter was an absolutely beautiful day, here in Albuquerque!! I went out and visited our local
"Bio Park" which consists of our city's Aquarium, the Botanical Gardens, and the Zoo. I only made it to the Botanical Gardens, but I was there for hours! I took my digital camera with the intent of getting some good photos. I took upward of 300 photos that day!! Of course not all of them were good. But with digital photography, I can edit to my heart's content! I can delete the duplicates or near-duplicates. I can 86 the fuzzy-focused ones, and I can crop the ones I want to change. I love it! 
Back in about December 2004 or so, a friend of mine introduced me to a photo-sharing site called "Flickr." I joined up (which can be free) and I enjoyed it, but I got a slow start. Eventually, I began exploring the site more and gradually I added more photos. I have been having a blast on there!!! I have almost 200 photos uploaded there now. This past weekend, I took another 2 or 3 hundred photos!
I went to the Albuquerque Tricentennial celebration near Old Town. You can check out some of the photos from my last two weekend
excusions at my Flickr site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/calico/
SO that's what has been keeping me busy these last few weeks! haha Now it's time to get the garden going. I'll start that this coming weekend.
Enough from me for today.
~~Paulena
I keep thinking (a dangerous pastime!) that I'll have more time to get on here and write... but then life happens, very quickly, I might add. I have been getting out and about on the weekends and enjoying the nice Spring weather. Easter was an absolutely beautiful day, here in Albuquerque!! I went out and visited our local
"Bio Park" which consists of our city's Aquarium, the Botanical Gardens, and the Zoo. I only made it to the Botanical Gardens, but I was there for hours! I took my digital camera with the intent of getting some good photos. I took upward of 300 photos that day!! Of course not all of them were good. But with digital photography, I can edit to my heart's content! I can delete the duplicates or near-duplicates. I can 86 the fuzzy-focused ones, and I can crop the ones I want to change. I love it! 
Back in about December 2004 or so, a friend of mine introduced me to a photo-sharing site called "Flickr." I joined up (which can be free) and I enjoyed it, but I got a slow start. Eventually, I began exploring the site more and gradually I added more photos. I have been having a blast on there!!! I have almost 200 photos uploaded there now. This past weekend, I took another 2 or 3 hundred photos!
I went to the Albuquerque Tricentennial celebration near Old Town. You can check out some of the photos from my last two weekend
excusions at my Flickr site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/calico/ SO that's what has been keeping me busy these last few weeks! haha Now it's time to get the garden going. I'll start that this coming weekend.
Enough from me for today.
~~Paulena
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Pondering Relationships
Things are always evolving, it would seem. My thoughts change and come back again. I actually started writing this right after Valentines day 2006. A couple of things in my life have evolved since then and I'm not sure where those things might or might not be heading -- time will tell. But my thoughts here (today, below) are still the same.
I keep a journal. I have kept a journal off and on over most of my life. I think that I began this practice when I was about nine years old – fourth grade. I was a Girl Scout and I had purchased an "official" Girl Scout diary, complete with a flap from the back to the front and a lock on it. I used to keep the key in my jewelry box. Back then, I wrote about such earth-shaking news like who had a crush on whom in my fourth-grade class, who I had a crush on, and who had teased me and hurt my feelings. Nowadays my journal entries are more about the occasional philosophical thoughts that might scamper through my mind, and (more likely) my day-to-day concerns regarding work, friends, family – and of course, whatever romantic relationship may or may not be in my life at the time. The one topic I have tended to puzzle over the most would be relationships. Specifically, I have puzzled over romantic relationships.
The question that has been ringing out through my brain time and time again, over the years:
What is it about romantic relationships that cause us to desire them, to seek them out, to sometimes put ourselves through hell and back just to be in them? Other than the obvious sexual gratification angle – Why do we seem to be driven to seek out another person, a partner, and negotiate a relationship?
It has puzzled me for years, but I think I’m beginning to unravel at least part of the mystery. I think I’m beginning to understand. I have been in relationships and out of them. I have been courted, I have been married and I have been divorced. I have struggled to make them work. I have had crushes, and I have experienced heart-break. I think we all have. I have even experienced a loss through death. I have found that once I get past the heart-break and the loss, I do quite well by myself, and on my own. I found it was much easier to not have to worry about what someone else wanted or what to fix for dinner. If I wanted to go home and have cereal or a peanut butter burrito, I could! I had no one to answer to, and no one would gripe at me or nit-pick. I could clean house at eleven o’clock at night if I were on a roll and I wouldn’t disturb anyone but my cats. If I wanted to laze around all day on Saturday, I could. I’m sure you get the idea.
It has seemed to me that it was so much easier and less energy consuming to be single and not in a romantic relationship. There was certainly less heartache! But then, inevitably, I would meet someone who caught my interest. Then the roller-coaster ride would begin again. Sometimes he would have no idea that I might be interested in him – or he was aware of it, just not interested in me in that way. Sometimes he would be a game player, trying to see how he could manipulate me and twist my emotions and then disappear. Some have lied and cheated. Some have seen it all as a form of entertainment, I suppose. And others just wanted their own needs met without any regard to anyone else’s needs or feelings. So often it was very painful in the end. I’d struggle to understand the situation and deal with it and move on, preferably even learning something in the process. I’d try to be graceful. Hopefully I didn’t make a fool of myself. Sometimes I’d even come across someone who claimed to be interested in me! I’d invest some time and energy into it and wrangle with all of it. So often though, it ended up being a situation where they had definite ideas of who they wanted me to be and most of their ideas didn’t match-up with the reality of who I truly was at that time. They wanted to change me in ways that didn’t fit me. In other words, they weren’t willing to just accept me as I was at that time and let us explore things from there. At that point, I’d usually bid them adios. I try to be accepting of others. I believe that it’s not right for me to want to change someone. I believe that if any change is to occur, it has to be a change that individual chooses for himself. So if I can’t accept someone as they are right now, then I need to release them and let them find someone who can. Life has taught me that this is the best way to approach these things. I hope that people I meet will respect me and do the same for me. That has not usually been the case, at least until recently.
So I have continued to ponder why it is that we human beings tend to seek out a partner with whom to be in a relationship – especially now that I have met someone I consider to be very special to my heart. I have been doing some reading, specifically from a book I’ve read a few times before. Its one of those books that you get a little more out of it each time you read it. The book is called “The Road Less Traveled,” by M. Scott Peck. The first time I read it was in 1983 and the next time was probably in 1986 and again in 1999. I got a lot out of it those first few times I read it, but I suppose its a matter of where you are on your life path, as to what you will take away from any particular reading. This time, I seem to be getting much more out of it regarding relationships. And it’s not like these concepts are new to me, but the thoughts seem to be resonating with me on a different level this time – like I’m ready for absorption of those thoughts on a different layer this time. It’s as if I had to go through a number of life lessons in this area before I could re-read this book and gain the insight I needed on the subject.
I realize that hopefully a relationship will feel good and that might be why many people seek them out, but I have also seen the results when things don’t work out well. So it can become a matter of “Was it worth the end pain?” and “Was it worth the trouble?” Even though I realize that lessons are always learned, especially from the painful stuff, I have sometimes felt like the end result was not always worth the trouble. I believe that sometimes, those lessons could only have been learned by way of the so-called bad outcome. Hopefully, we take the lesson forward with us, rather than whining about the “bad experience” and losing the lesson that life offered up to us. The lessons learned are usually worth learning, no matter how they came about. I realize that many, many people go about building relationships in very unhealthy ways. In some cases, those people end up perpetuating their own destructive habits again and again. But when we choose to exercise discipline and we choose to become personally responsible for our own thoughts, deeds and actions – then we can fully participate in our own growth process. I am seeing now that this is when we can recognize a healthy partner choice and achieve a healthy relationship. Now I am seeing that once we learn healthy patterns of living, choosing, and learning, the reason we seek out a relationship is ultimately to extend ourselves personally. In that process, we can experience personal and spiritual growth. So maybe this relationship-seeking thing we do is all a matter of being some sort of deeply instilled soul-instinct to achieve our ultimate growth.
Whatever the mysterious reason we seek those relationships, I find it most educational to read back through my years of journal entries and see the progress I have made and the lessons I have learned over the years. I am a work in progress, but it’s a relief to see that I really am moving forward, learning good lessons, and becoming a better person. At least I hope so and it would seem so from my current perspective.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.
~~Paulena
I keep a journal. I have kept a journal off and on over most of my life. I think that I began this practice when I was about nine years old – fourth grade. I was a Girl Scout and I had purchased an "official" Girl Scout diary, complete with a flap from the back to the front and a lock on it. I used to keep the key in my jewelry box. Back then, I wrote about such earth-shaking news like who had a crush on whom in my fourth-grade class, who I had a crush on, and who had teased me and hurt my feelings. Nowadays my journal entries are more about the occasional philosophical thoughts that might scamper through my mind, and (more likely) my day-to-day concerns regarding work, friends, family – and of course, whatever romantic relationship may or may not be in my life at the time. The one topic I have tended to puzzle over the most would be relationships. Specifically, I have puzzled over romantic relationships.
The question that has been ringing out through my brain time and time again, over the years:
What is it about romantic relationships that cause us to desire them, to seek them out, to sometimes put ourselves through hell and back just to be in them? Other than the obvious sexual gratification angle – Why do we seem to be driven to seek out another person, a partner, and negotiate a relationship?
It has puzzled me for years, but I think I’m beginning to unravel at least part of the mystery. I think I’m beginning to understand. I have been in relationships and out of them. I have been courted, I have been married and I have been divorced. I have struggled to make them work. I have had crushes, and I have experienced heart-break. I think we all have. I have even experienced a loss through death. I have found that once I get past the heart-break and the loss, I do quite well by myself, and on my own. I found it was much easier to not have to worry about what someone else wanted or what to fix for dinner. If I wanted to go home and have cereal or a peanut butter burrito, I could! I had no one to answer to, and no one would gripe at me or nit-pick. I could clean house at eleven o’clock at night if I were on a roll and I wouldn’t disturb anyone but my cats. If I wanted to laze around all day on Saturday, I could. I’m sure you get the idea.
It has seemed to me that it was so much easier and less energy consuming to be single and not in a romantic relationship. There was certainly less heartache! But then, inevitably, I would meet someone who caught my interest. Then the roller-coaster ride would begin again. Sometimes he would have no idea that I might be interested in him – or he was aware of it, just not interested in me in that way. Sometimes he would be a game player, trying to see how he could manipulate me and twist my emotions and then disappear. Some have lied and cheated. Some have seen it all as a form of entertainment, I suppose. And others just wanted their own needs met without any regard to anyone else’s needs or feelings. So often it was very painful in the end. I’d struggle to understand the situation and deal with it and move on, preferably even learning something in the process. I’d try to be graceful. Hopefully I didn’t make a fool of myself. Sometimes I’d even come across someone who claimed to be interested in me! I’d invest some time and energy into it and wrangle with all of it. So often though, it ended up being a situation where they had definite ideas of who they wanted me to be and most of their ideas didn’t match-up with the reality of who I truly was at that time. They wanted to change me in ways that didn’t fit me. In other words, they weren’t willing to just accept me as I was at that time and let us explore things from there. At that point, I’d usually bid them adios. I try to be accepting of others. I believe that it’s not right for me to want to change someone. I believe that if any change is to occur, it has to be a change that individual chooses for himself. So if I can’t accept someone as they are right now, then I need to release them and let them find someone who can. Life has taught me that this is the best way to approach these things. I hope that people I meet will respect me and do the same for me. That has not usually been the case, at least until recently.
So I have continued to ponder why it is that we human beings tend to seek out a partner with whom to be in a relationship – especially now that I have met someone I consider to be very special to my heart. I have been doing some reading, specifically from a book I’ve read a few times before. Its one of those books that you get a little more out of it each time you read it. The book is called “The Road Less Traveled,” by M. Scott Peck. The first time I read it was in 1983 and the next time was probably in 1986 and again in 1999. I got a lot out of it those first few times I read it, but I suppose its a matter of where you are on your life path, as to what you will take away from any particular reading. This time, I seem to be getting much more out of it regarding relationships. And it’s not like these concepts are new to me, but the thoughts seem to be resonating with me on a different level this time – like I’m ready for absorption of those thoughts on a different layer this time. It’s as if I had to go through a number of life lessons in this area before I could re-read this book and gain the insight I needed on the subject.
I realize that hopefully a relationship will feel good and that might be why many people seek them out, but I have also seen the results when things don’t work out well. So it can become a matter of “Was it worth the end pain?” and “Was it worth the trouble?” Even though I realize that lessons are always learned, especially from the painful stuff, I have sometimes felt like the end result was not always worth the trouble. I believe that sometimes, those lessons could only have been learned by way of the so-called bad outcome. Hopefully, we take the lesson forward with us, rather than whining about the “bad experience” and losing the lesson that life offered up to us. The lessons learned are usually worth learning, no matter how they came about. I realize that many, many people go about building relationships in very unhealthy ways. In some cases, those people end up perpetuating their own destructive habits again and again. But when we choose to exercise discipline and we choose to become personally responsible for our own thoughts, deeds and actions – then we can fully participate in our own growth process. I am seeing now that this is when we can recognize a healthy partner choice and achieve a healthy relationship. Now I am seeing that once we learn healthy patterns of living, choosing, and learning, the reason we seek out a relationship is ultimately to extend ourselves personally. In that process, we can experience personal and spiritual growth. So maybe this relationship-seeking thing we do is all a matter of being some sort of deeply instilled soul-instinct to achieve our ultimate growth.
Whatever the mysterious reason we seek those relationships, I find it most educational to read back through my years of journal entries and see the progress I have made and the lessons I have learned over the years. I am a work in progress, but it’s a relief to see that I really am moving forward, learning good lessons, and becoming a better person. At least I hope so and it would seem so from my current perspective.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.
~~Paulena
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Today's Butterfly Moment
Hello and Good Day to You,
Today, I'm having one of those mentally frenetic days. I have what feels like zillions of thoughts rushing through my head. Many of them are flying by so fast that I can't even really "hear" them clearly as they rush past my attention. It's like I can only "hear" the Doppler effect dropping off as they twist, swirl and race into the dark distance. As I picture the action, all these thoughts have different colors and some have several colors! I wonder if they will come back around and give me another chance to grab them. What makes it a tad more frustrating is that I'm at work while this is happening! Sheesh! Why can this happen on my day off!? haha Sometimes it does, but not usually.
I figured that while I have a couple of minutes, I'd take a break, eat my coconut yogurt and jot a few things down. I wonder what might happen if a couple of the flying thoughts were to collide! That could be interesting! haha I'm not sure how this comes on -- gradually or suddenly. I only know that I'm suddenly aware of it. When I have the time to contemplate all the action and grab a few of them, some of my favorite ideas come from these times.
Perhaps it's left over from last night when my great-uncle asked me if I believe in reincarnation. I told him, "Oh yes. Absolutely." And we began a most interesting conversation on the subject. I only recently (last year) met my great-uncle Greg. All these years I knew he was out there somewhere, but I had never met him until last year. What a find! He is a character and a lot of fun. And now, I find out just how interesting and multi-dimensional he really is. Anyway, so uncle Greg is here on a short visit and we began a most interesting conversation. Unfortunately, it was getting late and I had to get home, get to sleep and get up early in the morning. So we had to cut it short. But I very much look forward to the next time he and I can really sit down and talk about this stuff.
On my way home, I was thinking about my spiritual path over the years and all the reading I've done about Edgar Cayce and various related subjects. I was thinking about personal responsibility, acceptance of consequences and the role it all has to play in our spiritual path. My thoughts went back to our conversation. As we had been conversing and uncle Greg had asked me questions about my beliefs and my experiences. He seemed fascinated and amazed. He asked me, "How do you know all this stuff?"
Wow! I had to think about that. Much of it... I just knew somehow... from very early on. It was stuff I just... felt,
It had been a long time since I had contemplated how I came to awaken those things within me, and move along my path. I suppose that now since someone asked me about it, I've got a lot on my mind and I'm thinking up a storm! Too much for this small space and this limited bit of time. But, perhaps I need to focus some writing time on this.
Anyway... those are some butterfly mind thoughts! It's hardly fair that life and time constraints don't allow me to explore them further right now. But then... who ever said that life was fair?
Enough for now. Back to work with me!
~~Paulena
deep inside, even when I was a kid. Life steered me in the direction where I came across various things to read. When I began to read things on Edgar Cayce... it resonated so deeply within me!! It was like something inside me recognized what I was reading and knew it to be a most basic truth. It was like it were all information I'd already had within me. It was all very familiar to me. Onward I went, reading everything I could get my hands on the subject.
Today, I'm having one of those mentally frenetic days. I have what feels like zillions of thoughts rushing through my head. Many of them are flying by so fast that I can't even really "hear" them clearly as they rush past my attention. It's like I can only "hear" the Doppler effect dropping off as they twist, swirl and race into the dark distance. As I picture the action, all these thoughts have different colors and some have several colors! I wonder if they will come back around and give me another chance to grab them. What makes it a tad more frustrating is that I'm at work while this is happening! Sheesh! Why can this happen on my day off!? haha Sometimes it does, but not usually.
I figured that while I have a couple of minutes, I'd take a break, eat my coconut yogurt and jot a few things down. I wonder what might happen if a couple of the flying thoughts were to collide! That could be interesting! haha I'm not sure how this comes on -- gradually or suddenly. I only know that I'm suddenly aware of it. When I have the time to contemplate all the action and grab a few of them, some of my favorite ideas come from these times.
Perhaps it's left over from last night when my great-uncle asked me if I believe in reincarnation. I told him, "Oh yes. Absolutely." And we began a most interesting conversation on the subject. I only recently (last year) met my great-uncle Greg. All these years I knew he was out there somewhere, but I had never met him until last year. What a find! He is a character and a lot of fun. And now, I find out just how interesting and multi-dimensional he really is. Anyway, so uncle Greg is here on a short visit and we began a most interesting conversation. Unfortunately, it was getting late and I had to get home, get to sleep and get up early in the morning. So we had to cut it short. But I very much look forward to the next time he and I can really sit down and talk about this stuff.
On my way home, I was thinking about my spiritual path over the years and all the reading I've done about Edgar Cayce and various related subjects. I was thinking about personal responsibility, acceptance of consequences and the role it all has to play in our spiritual path. My thoughts went back to our conversation. As we had been conversing and uncle Greg had asked me questions about my beliefs and my experiences. He seemed fascinated and amazed. He asked me, "How do you know all this stuff?"
Wow! I had to think about that. Much of it... I just knew somehow... from very early on. It was stuff I just... felt,
It had been a long time since I had contemplated how I came to awaken those things within me, and move along my path. I suppose that now since someone asked me about it, I've got a lot on my mind and I'm thinking up a storm! Too much for this small space and this limited bit of time. But, perhaps I need to focus some writing time on this.
Anyway... those are some butterfly mind thoughts! It's hardly fair that life and time constraints don't allow me to explore them further right now. But then... who ever said that life was fair?
Enough for now. Back to work with me!
~~Paulena
deep inside, even when I was a kid. Life steered me in the direction where I came across various things to read. When I began to read things on Edgar Cayce... it resonated so deeply within me!! It was like something inside me recognized what I was reading and knew it to be a most basic truth. It was like it were all information I'd already had within me. It was all very familiar to me. Onward I went, reading everything I could get my hands on the subject.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Catch it if you can
Whoooooooosh!!!!!!!!! There went January!
I took a sigh of relief that I got through the holidays and when I exhaled, it was already February. Wow! I'm not even sure what I got done in January... oh... yes, I got new blinds for
my kitchen window... finally. I think it's a very nice improvement over the icky brown curtain I had temporarily put up (two years ago... sheesh!).
I had some stucco repaired on my house... but I didn't personally do that. It looks great. I got a couple of shelving units put together and in place... in the dining room and in the study. Next big job... organize the study!! Well, after I get my taxes done, that is. Oh, and I met someone terrific! Well actually, I "met" him in December, but began really getting to know him since the first of this year. We've been out a few times... So far, so good. He's a really wonderful guy. Actually, he's pretty awesome. I'm looking forward to getting to know him better.
I suppose I don't really have much else to report right now. It's almost time to do the Spring-cleaning thing and get a garden started.
I'll post more soon
~Paulena
I took a sigh of relief that I got through the holidays and when I exhaled, it was already February. Wow! I'm not even sure what I got done in January... oh... yes, I got new blinds for
my kitchen window... finally. I think it's a very nice improvement over the icky brown curtain I had temporarily put up (two years ago... sheesh!).I had some stucco repaired on my house... but I didn't personally do that. It looks great. I got a couple of shelving units put together and in place... in the dining room and in the study. Next big job... organize the study!! Well, after I get my taxes done, that is. Oh, and I met someone terrific! Well actually, I "met" him in December, but began really getting to know him since the first of this year. We've been out a few times... So far, so good. He's a really wonderful guy. Actually, he's pretty awesome. I'm looking forward to getting to know him better.
I suppose I don't really have much else to report right now. It's almost time to do the Spring-cleaning thing and get a garden started.
I'll post more soon
~Paulena
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Welcome to 2006!!!
Hi and Welcome to 2006!
I hope your New Years celebrations were great... and safe!
Mine was great, with a nice and mellow holiday weekend. I was able to take a couple of vacation days for an extra-long holiday weekend!
*Dec. 29th, I got most of the errand-running done that I needed to do.
*Dec. 30th, I finished painting my kitchen to prepare for a peg-board to hang coffee cups on. Then I hung up my
wine rack (holds 8 bottles of wine & 12 wine glasses) from the ceiling, over the sink. Gracious! That was hard to do all by myself... to make sure the hooks would be evenly spaced and straight and all. I'd advise at lease having a second set of hands to hold stuff while you step back and look... and to help with measuring. Yikes! This was tough, but I got impatient with waiting for assistance. Bad me! I'd had the darned thing just over a month and I wanted it UP! But it turned out great!
*Dec. 31st in the morning, I cooked the Christmas ham-bone down to get the meat off of it and added that meat to a pot of pinto beans I cooked up in the crock pot. In the afternoon, I went over to my mom & step-dad’s house to get some assistance with my peg-board project... I needed some miter cuts and then I finished the last of the painting on the frame. The frame paint was not yet dry when I needed to leave (after dinner) . . . I wanted to get home before all the crazies got out on the roads. So I left the project there to dry and I went home. I did a few things around the house and watched a bit of television. I stayed up 'til midnight to ring in the new year . . . I heard lots of fireworks, gunfire and I'd swear I heard a couple of machine guns and bombs!! Spooky!! I went to sleep shortly after that.
*January 1st, I finished up cooking the pinto beans and prepared some beer bread (I added some green chili, sun-dried tomato, and cheese to that). While the crock pot cooked the beans, I put together a metal-grid, shelving unit for the corner of my dining room. I was then able to reorganize some of my kitchen and dining room. Looks much nicer now! Around 2pm, my mom & step-dad came over and brought my framed peg-board. (That's when I put the bread in to bake.) My step-dad hung the board up for me (nice, then I didn't have to struggle with it by myself). I hung my cups on the new board. Looks nice! Then we had some pinto beans (with ham) and a few slices of the beer bread for dinner . . . Happy New Year! The NM version of the Black-eyed peas tradition, I suppose! Haha
Here are a couple of photos of my kitchen . . . One before and one after the cup board went up on the wall (next
to my green, herb shelves under the window) . . . You can see the new wine-rack installed above the sink. Also, you'll be able to see the pot-rack that my friend Greg helped me put up right after Thanksgiving. It's SO much easier to hang those things when you have help!! Next . . . I'll be getting some light green mini-blinds for that window so the brown curtain will be gone! 
*January 2nd, I got my new weather station up and working . . . Got the anenometer (wind meter) up on a mast above my house. Got that and the rain gauge connected to the thermo-hygrometer (thermometer & barometric pressure sensor) –which sends a radio a signal to the display unit in my house! Cool, huh? I also installed the corresponding computer software, which ties into the weather station display. Now . . . To read all the instructions on how to e-mail and post the info!! Haha
That will be a learning curve, on the software!!
Have a good one!
~Paulena
I hope your New Years celebrations were great... and safe!
Mine was great, with a nice and mellow holiday weekend. I was able to take a couple of vacation days for an extra-long holiday weekend!
*Dec. 29th, I got most of the errand-running done that I needed to do.
*Dec. 30th, I finished painting my kitchen to prepare for a peg-board to hang coffee cups on. Then I hung up my
wine rack (holds 8 bottles of wine & 12 wine glasses) from the ceiling, over the sink. Gracious! That was hard to do all by myself... to make sure the hooks would be evenly spaced and straight and all. I'd advise at lease having a second set of hands to hold stuff while you step back and look... and to help with measuring. Yikes! This was tough, but I got impatient with waiting for assistance. Bad me! I'd had the darned thing just over a month and I wanted it UP! But it turned out great!*Dec. 31st in the morning, I cooked the Christmas ham-bone down to get the meat off of it and added that meat to a pot of pinto beans I cooked up in the crock pot. In the afternoon, I went over to my mom & step-dad’s house to get some assistance with my peg-board project... I needed some miter cuts and then I finished the last of the painting on the frame. The frame paint was not yet dry when I needed to leave (after dinner) . . . I wanted to get home before all the crazies got out on the roads. So I left the project there to dry and I went home. I did a few things around the house and watched a bit of television. I stayed up 'til midnight to ring in the new year . . . I heard lots of fireworks, gunfire and I'd swear I heard a couple of machine guns and bombs!! Spooky!! I went to sleep shortly after that.
*January 1st, I finished up cooking the pinto beans and prepared some beer bread (I added some green chili, sun-dried tomato, and cheese to that). While the crock pot cooked the beans, I put together a metal-grid, shelving unit for the corner of my dining room. I was then able to reorganize some of my kitchen and dining room. Looks much nicer now! Around 2pm, my mom & step-dad came over and brought my framed peg-board. (That's when I put the bread in to bake.) My step-dad hung the board up for me (nice, then I didn't have to struggle with it by myself). I hung my cups on the new board. Looks nice! Then we had some pinto beans (with ham) and a few slices of the beer bread for dinner . . . Happy New Year! The NM version of the Black-eyed peas tradition, I suppose! Haha
Here are a couple of photos of my kitchen . . . One before and one after the cup board went up on the wall (next
to my green, herb shelves under the window) . . . You can see the new wine-rack installed above the sink. Also, you'll be able to see the pot-rack that my friend Greg helped me put up right after Thanksgiving. It's SO much easier to hang those things when you have help!! Next . . . I'll be getting some light green mini-blinds for that window so the brown curtain will be gone! 
*January 2nd, I got my new weather station up and working . . . Got the anenometer (wind meter) up on a mast above my house. Got that and the rain gauge connected to the thermo-hygrometer (thermometer & barometric pressure sensor) –which sends a radio a signal to the display unit in my house! Cool, huh? I also installed the corresponding computer software, which ties into the weather station display. Now . . . To read all the instructions on how to e-mail and post the info!! Haha
That will be a learning curve, on the software!!
Have a good one!
~Paulena
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