Becoming More Clear...

The last couple of years, I have known it was time to move on -- career-wise -- to something else. But figuring out what that would be, has taken some introspection, and a lot of reading (book links included in a later paragraph). I've been hearing for years: "Do what you love and the money (prosperity) will follow." Great! Ok, but what if you aren't sure what it is "you love" to do... or where you want your life to go? Sounds a little ridiculous, yes, but tons of people are struggling with this very thing right now!!!

So... how can you NOT know what you love to do? Easy! You spend your life, from very early on, deferring to people you respect who say they love you, or care about you... people who think they know better. And these people are trying to "guide" you down a path that they think would be much better for you than those crazy notions you have in your head! Ok, message received. You hang your head and move on and do what you've been told you are "supposed" to do. You pay the bills. Heaven forbid that you would "make waves!" That's how it begins.

Then you are going about your so-called life, and you mention an idea that you always wanted to try or might like to try... and someone... a teacher? a school counselor? a doctor? a parent? a spouse? a sibling? ...Someone tells you "That's NUTS! You can't do that! You'd never be able to pull that off. What's wrong with you? You'd never be any good at that. That's a really dumb idea! You'd never make a living doing that! What would people think? Forget that, you have to get a graduate degree or you'll be nothing! That's not a safe idea. Quit Dreaming! Get back to reality! You'd be a laughing stock! What are you??? Crazy? Be sensible!" Bark, bark, woof woof.... You know the rest... theme and variations. I've seen it a bazillion times-- and probably so have you!
Again, you hang your head, feeling ridiculous for ever bringing up such ludicrous thoughts!! How dare you!? Feeling supremely stupid, low, and unworthy of being listened to ever again. And you think, "Yeah, what was I thinking? Just shut up and pay the bills."
HOW SAD!!! And yet, these obstacles are part of the path, and part of the lesson! They are part of what can build your inner strength... if you allow it.

Guess what? Those crazy notions you had in your head... notions that maybe you HAVE had in your head a long time... THOSE are most probably what you love to do! Ok, sometimes we have more that one crazy notion. And sometimes we need to whittle and shape those notions into something useable. So what? It's a process! Where did those notions of yours go? If you have lost touch with them, how do you find them again?

For me, I got to thinking (Dangerous pastime, I know!)... And I mentally went back in time... back to when I was about 4 and 5 years old. I thought about all the times grown-ups would ask, "So... What do you want to be when you grow up?" My responses varied a little, and in looking back, I now realize that I didn't yet possess the vocabulary to accurately express the ideas I had in my young, little head.

To the best of my ability, I generally told those grown-ups that I wanted to be a "teacher" or a "witch." Imagine that!!! haha I got more than a few raised eyebrows on that one!! But to me at age 4, a witch was a healer. I wasn't meaning a nurse or doctor... I meant a healer. I just didn't know what it was called, so I formed a category I thought covered it... maybe not so eloquently. When asked "Why a teacher?" I answered with, "I want to teach people to not be mean... to be nice, and to think." I didn't see myself teaching English, or History, or Science, or Home-Ec... to me at that age, a teacher was someone who taught compassion, how to be smart, who showed the way... and taught by example.

That was how I envisioned the someday-adult-Paula, would be. She would be someone who was a healer and who could assist in showing the way. How esoteric of me! Woo-woo!! (I'm chuckling) hahaha But at the age of 4 and 5, I didn't quite know how to properly express this... and maybe it was just as well. The grown-ups had a tendency to smile, pat me on the head, chuckle and say something like, "Oh how cute! Isn't that nice." It wasn't like they were asking because they would actually take me seriously!!!

It wasn't long before I began hearing: "You should be a nurse." OR "You should teach little kids." So people began "should-ing" on me fairly early in life. I'm sure most you out there experienced that too. This, in turn, taught me to "should" on myself. Soon, I could no longer "hear" that little girl who wanted... anything.

Now, now... Don't cry for my Argentina!! We ALL went through some variation of this. THAT is why SO MANY people today are struggling with "What do I really want to be when I grow up?" ...and they are 30,... 45 years old!!!

So where does this leave us? Being older than we thought we'd be when trying to figure it out! It leaves us with attending class reunions and learning that many of our classmates have already had 3, 4, or even 5 "careers" and some are still looking for... what they really want to be when they grow up. Guess what? That's Ok!

It's not too late to find what you love to do, to change careers, and to find your passion. However you want to phrase it, it's not too late! But it will probably take some work. It will take some digging and some commitment. You will most likely have to be willing to delve deep into yourself and bring out some things that got buried along the way. I have found that keeping a journal is most helpful. Meditation is helpful, although not easy. I have also been doing a ton of reading. Ahh... the reading...

A couple of years ago, I discovered "The Law of Attraction," by Ester & Jerry Hicks. I listened to it as a book on CD. Late last year, I discovered another of their books, "The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide." I just finished it. Very enlightening! Within the last year or so, I began hearing about a book called "The Secret," by Rhonda Byrne (which is also becoming a movie) ... Turns out, that one is all about learning to use the Law of Attraction. Go figure! I haven't yet had the chance to read "The Secret," but it IS on my reading list. The book I just started is, "The New Earth: Awakening Your Life's Purpose," by Eckhart Tolle, also the author of "The Power of Now." I heard about it from Oprah. It turns out that in the beginning of March (2008), she is hosting an online, 10 week, workshop based on the book. Co-facilitating it will be the author, Eckhart Tolle. How cool is that? And the online workshop is free. You can click on the Oprah link to go to Oprah's website and learn more! Response has been wild! This is hot... See? Lots of people want to understand this stuff. We are not alone!

I have been a "metaphysical-type" for a many years now... exploring various books and various spiritual ideas and flavors. I always knew that eventually, this path would lead me to something that I loved to do and felt good about. There have been a few times, when I came close to following my heart-felt path. Along the way, there have been a handful of nay Sayers in and out of my life, who felt the need to squash my ideas or tell me I was crazy or wrong for thinking this, that, or the other. Maybe they didn't intend to have that effect upon me, but that was the end result. It temporarily smothered my internal spark from igniting my heart-felt passion for what my soul was calling me to do. That resulted in feeling sad and depressed. I kept wondering what happened to the spark I used to have... where had it gone? It took a while for me to rediscover it.

Now, having said that, I must take responsibility for allowing these various people to have that effect upon me. Especially once I was a grown adult! Unfortunately, at those times, I just wasn't seeing what was happening. These were people who had been important to me, thus I trusted their opinions a little too much. I wasn't quite "getting it" (yet) that ultimately; I had to be the one to say,
"So what's it to ya? Why are you so invested in keeping me down? Why do you want to keep me from pursuing what feels right to me? Why can't you just let me be who I am and allow me to pursue what interests me?"
And ultimately, I needed to shake off their opinions and doubts, not let them get to me, and I needed to put my foot down and follow what my soul was trying to tell me. It sounds like such a no-brainer now!! But it just wasn't that easy when I was trying to find my truest path. But that is all water under the proverbial bridge. That was then... this is NOW! And NOW is all I can take care of... Now and the Future!

Life is complicated these days... now more than ever. You will sometimes make "mistakes," but that is part of learning! It's Ok to make some mistakes... they will be a part of your path!

It is said in some circles (and I believe this) that if you prevent a person from progressing on their path, you will incur negative karma for stunting them. Even if you block them by way of not holding them responsible for their own personal development, that is still blocking their progress!! Some folks don't realize that they are doing this to others. Well-meaning or not, it all becomes a matter of trying to control other people and situations... to a greater or lesser degree. It's an impossible endeavor. In the end, you cannot get away with controlling other people or their lives, and you cannot change other people. If you can't accept them as they are, walk away. If they cannot accept you for who you are, as you are right now... walk away. Easier said than done, I know.

You cannot change the past. You can stop others from pushing you down now, but it takes courage and the strength to stand and tell them what's what! Even if you waiver and find yourself down, you have the power to get back up and make the changes you want in your own life!!! You can really only control your own thoughts, deeds, and actions... in the here and now... and you can effect your future. As Gandhi used to say, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

I am now at a place where I can see some very positive things begining to happen in my life. Some things I had been struggling with are now resolving and I am begining to see some things with more clarity. I am making sense of things that I had been confused about. I am formulating what my "purpose" might be... and I see that it very possibly is multiple choice! I am finding joy in the possibilities!
Still waiting for carpet... but life is good!

Be well,
~Paulena